Missing You

I lost my daddy

2009-02-20T17:18:00.002+10:00

Kate has been asking where her Daddy is.

It started last night when the girls were watching a little bit of Chicken Little and Abby mentioned that he didn't have a mummy and asked me where his mummy was. I said that he must of lost his mummy like she had lost her daddy.

Then from Kate, "Where is my Daddy? Where has he gone? I want my Daddy to come back. I miss my Daddy"

And then again in the car today she mentioned that she missed her daddy.

And later when picking Abby up from school she told one of the other mums that it was my birthday and something was said about cake. The mum said,"Maybe your daddy could help you make a cake."

Kate,"I lost my daddy"

:(

2009-02-16T13:49:00.002+10:00

Fear of being happy.

Is there such a thing? Because I think I have it. I'm actually going through a really good stage at the moment but I just can't let go completely and allow myself to be happy.....I think I am afraid that something bad will happen if I actually relax.

Just before Jeff was diagnosed I remember standing in the kitchen washing up some dishes and feeling complete contentment and happiness. We were in love, we had one beautiful daughter and another baby on the way, we also had our own business, one that allowed us a lot of flexibility to be able to do family things together......and then BAM!

Sigh.

We only have now....tomorrow is gone and yesterday not here yet. I have lost so much time with Abby and Kate whilst grieving, now I want to live and enjoy these precious years with them that will be gone all too doon, but it feels just out of reach, like I am almost there but just can't grasp it yet.

Still, it's better than some of the places I have been during this journey, I am grateful for that.

Gotta go, schools almost out:)

Ice...not heat!

2009-01-17T21:52:00.002+10:00

I have learnt that when one has a sore inflamed neck/shoulder muscle, that it is to be ICED. DO NOT put heat on it, that will only make it feel better for the (very) short term but much worse over the long term.

So before my new found knowledge I put on a heat pack, soaked in a hot bath, had hot showers, all in an attempt to ease the ache in my neck/shoulder. The second day I spent the day on the lounge because it hurt to move just the tiniest bit. That day I actually woke up and thought I wouldn't be able to get out of bed...I did but I had to roll out.

It wasn't until day 6 (!) that my Mum told me she though alternative icing/heating was the right treatment. Ice? Really? So I googled...treatment was RICE....Rest, Ice Compression. Elevation.

What do you know, 20 minutes on and 20 off for 3 hours and wow, I was feeling so much better. And it only improved after that.

Sigh, I wish I'd known that on day 1...I'm so stoopid. And I have no doubt Jeff would have know that.

I guess I'm doing ok to get to almost 36 and haven't yet had cause to know that treatment...of course maybe I have done it before and at 36 my memory is up the creek...yep that is probably more like it.

2008-12-08T21:08:00.004+10:00

Some photos from my chrissy card photo shoot and some of our decorations can be seen here:

2008-12-08T21:01:00.000+10:00

2008-11-29T16:30:00.002+10:00

F**K!

I just tumbled back down that hole :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

The weekends are just too hard.

How the hell am I going to manage weeks of school holidays?

I'll stay with Dad and Dawn for a week....maybe longer and then with Brian and Mum when they get back from down south in the new year.

Sigh.

:(

2008-11-28T17:25:00.002+10:00

Still here.

Dragging myself out of a hole.

Sigh.

This parenting solo is so tough.

Sigh.

Lots to write but not a lot to write. I'm sure that doesn't make sense to some but it's the same old same old here with the day to day things but lots of emotions and struggling that I could have written about but just didn't feel like it.

Coming to the top of the hole thankfully.

2008-11-04T20:17:00.002+10:00

So Mum came home today....just in time for the Melbourne Cup. She ended up being in hospital for just over two weeks for a very serious case of pneumonia. I didn't want to post about it until she was home and ok. Especially after having her lung punctured last week when they tried to put a central line in.

The girls and I visited her on the weekend and she looked good but it certainly has knocked her about and the doctors have told her it will be another 6 weeks before she is fully recovered.

We also had an emergency rush to the hospital last Tuesday. I woke up to hear Kate in my handbag and playing with an empty packet of paracetamol and an empty one of nurofen. I didn't know if she had taken any. I remember taking some of each the eve of the wedding and it is possible they were empty. That's what I get for A) keeping some in my bag in the first place and B) being too lazy to throw empty packets out.

Anyway, since I didn't know how much she had taken (if any) I was advised to take her immediately to emergency. So it was a mad dash, first waking Abby up and getting some clothes and shoes on her and getting dressed myself too and then driving to the hospital. I took a wrong turn (when I don't have to turn at all, it's a straight run once I am on the main road, but panic muddles your mind). I had to wind my window down at a set of lights and frantically ask the driver next to me for directions.

Once there and after wishing the person in front of me in line would hurry up, Kate's name was called up first and then it was a long wait before blood tests could be done. The doctors didn't think she would have taken the whole sheets full but to be on the safe side they decided to test. As paracetamol peaks after 4 hours, we had to wait until then. Five hours later (long long hours trying to entertain the girls and feeling like a failure of a mother and worrying if Kate was going to be alright) they took some blood. Kate was so good, they wrapped her up in a blanket to keep her still and the nurse and I distracted her from looking whilst the blood was being drawn. She did look a couple of times and her little face looked so frightened. But she was very brave and didn't complain or fuss. Thankfully there was no pain as the area is numbed first.

Then an hour later the doctor walked in and said, "Bloods are all normal, no paracetamol, you can go home now."

And I breathed again.

Wedding photos!!!

2008-10-20T17:07:00.004+10:00

Abby and Kate were so good. Abby was a little cross just before leaving with her shoes as they were slightly too big and I had to put a bit in the back at the heel and some tissue in the toes. But then she danced for hours in them! Go figure! Their hair also dropped very quickly after being curled and they took their hair wreaths out before the photographer came and they had to be put in again, so all this fussing messed it up a bit. They were great walking down the red carpet. I noticed Abby walking a little too quickly as she wanted to get it over with, lol. Then they stood quietly though the, thankfully very short, ceremory. Abby took her shoes and hair wealth off and passed her flowers to her 'partner' (bridesmaid she walked with and new best friend). Kate just stood there looking adorable.
I ended up driving a couple of the bridesmaids as one of the cars was late, so that was kind of neat being a part of the bridal procession.
Later at the reception, Abby danced up a storm on the dance floor and I think would have been on it more than anyone else. Kate meanwhile slept in a little bed I made for her in the back corner of the room.

I had a couple of moments that I teared up but I quickly got that under control. Especially as I was asked to witness my brothers signature and required to get up in front of everyone. Then again during the reception with a slow song but considering it all I managed very well I thought. But it was their day and not about me at all, so that focus helped. Some tearing up was due to the normal emotion of seeing a loved one getting married and the feeling sof happiness for them and their special day.

They are in Hawaii now for 2 weeks, how exciting!

2008-10-14T20:24:00.003+10:00

I haven't felt like blogging, hence the lack of posts. Still not really in the mood for blogging much but wanted to get down that I dreamt of Jeff both Saturday and Sunday (I haven't had a dream with him in it for some time). Actually, I think the first one was a visit, because his lips touched mine and it shocked me as it felt as real as if he were still alive. It was during that time period where one is on the very edge of waking up. The other thing was that it was here in this house, not a memory like dream and (I think) the first dream I've had with Jeff where we were in this house.

The next dream was more dream like and I think sparked from the first dream (visit?) occurring.

The last two weekends have had wedding related events (hens and bridal shower). All has been ok, much easier than I thought. This Saturday is the wedding and I'm sure I am going to be ok. No doubt there was be some moments for me but I feel strong enough to handle the day and I know it is Brent and Andrea's day and I am happy and excited for them as they take this next step in their relationship.

The hen is in the red and white dress. We ended up staying in a penthouse in the Q1 on the Gold Coast after being upgraded from another motel for maintence (ummm, maybe double booking? ) reasons. It was VERY nice. And what a VIEW!

School Holidays

2008-09-22T20:14:00.003+10:00

Well, the school holidays have started. I love having both the girls home what I don't love is that now I have two of them constantly asking for food ALL day long. Kate does it when Abby is at school and now both of them are doing it and I'm on day three and I am over it!

Come to think of it being as it is school holidays it is time to worm them again. Ummm, maybe that will help. I hope so.

We have had a good and bad start to the holidays. On Saturday we spring cleaned the girls rooms. Packing away winter clothes and going through summer clothes to see what is fitting and what needs to be bought.

I also gave my wardrobe a tidy too and hope to tackle a few other areas while at home....we will be going away a couple of times to visit grandparents.

The bad part is that Abby is being quite challenging at the moment. She is not listening to me and it's quite draining to ask for something to be picked up a number of times to then discover later that it didn't get done. Argh! We have already had a couple of chats about listening but it goes in one ear and out the other....(! I feel so old when I catch myself saying these sayings I heard as a child!).

Abby had a play date today and although both the girls like each other but they are so competitive with each other and gosh the drama! I had a chat with Abby about playing nice before we went over and so did A's mum to A but obviously it didn't work for either of us. Urgh and then when it's time to leave neither wanted the play date to end... go figure!

Tomorrow we have to stay for a delivery and then we will head off to Nani and Poppy's for a couple of days. Dawn has booked the girls into a fairy party event thing over their way, which I'm sure they will love. I hope to have the time to take Abby to see Wall-E as well. I thought about taking Kate as well but think she may be a little young, maybe in about 6 to 12months. Ummm, thinking...unless perhaps if Dawn comes too. But definately not if I am taking Abby on my own.

Then we'll head up the coast to see Grandma and Pink Poppy next week sometime. I'd like to do some clothes shopping then aswell.

After that a day or two at home and then back to Dad and Dawns so Dad can babysit the girls....overnight (!) this will be a first... while Dawn, Brooke (my sister who is back this way to live...yay!) head off down the coast for Andrea's hens night.

And if the timing is right (ie I am here when plans are made) I hope to catch up with some of the other school mums and Abby's school friends at a park one day.

Ok, so that's us for the next couple of weeks.

Where's Daddy/Father's Day

2008-09-03T21:33:00.003+10:00

Through photos Kate can recognise that Jeff is Daddy.

She must be getting curious about him because for the first time yesterday (and again today) she asked me, "Where's daddy?"

For now I just told her he is in heaven.

This morning Abby told Kate that daddy was a baby again and growing in someones tummy. This comes from a very brief conversation that we had last week about different beliefs people have. I basically touched only on the beliefs of going to heaven, being born again and just going to sleep.

Last week Abby's teacher approached me about Abby making a fathers day gift for a grandfather instead. I told her that it was Abby's decision and whatever she wanted to do was the answer. The teacher asked me to talk to Abby about it and get back to her to next day. So that afternoon I asked Abby and she definitely wanted to make something for Jeff to put beside his photo. We were on our way to a play date when I did it as I hoped that if Abby got upset, she would soon be distracted by playing with her friends. She did get upset and I thought my idea was the wrong one and was going to backfire on me but thankfully as soon as she spotted her friends she was ok and ready to play.

Then yesterday at pick up she was upset again as they had had a fathers day stall and I knew nothing of it. But I wasn't the only one and many parents where unaware. I spoke to the teachers assistant (Abby's teacher seems to off to meetings a lot!) this morning regarding the lack of communication and apparently it came with another email about a current school fundraising event. So I checked when I got home this morning and no, nothing about it at all. One mum didn't even get the email at all. So I will speak to Abby's teacher tomorrow as obviously the system is not working properly and they need to know problems to know what to fix. It's just upsetting that it had to happen with this particular event. The other thing I think is really cruel is that the children that didn't have any money still had to go with the others and just watch. One mum was telling me that her daughter asked why she wasn't able to buy anything and was it because they didn't have any money. And Abby, well I hate thinking about it but she had to watch knowing that her daddy isn't here anymore, probably thinking that was why I didn't give her any money. But I would have let her buy something to avoid her being in the situation of watching others buying for their daddies. Sigh, at least she wasn't watching on her own.

Ok, it's late, so I'm off to bed now. I have been getting up an hour early and going on the treatmill....summer is coming!!!!

2008-08-19T19:35:00.001+10:00

So, I've finally decided to get rid of the music on my blog....but it won't let me! I can't even make a small change and the whole thing looks a mess!

Sigh, this is going to take some time to figure out it seems.

Never say Never...

2008-08-19T18:09:00.002+10:00

...and it's easy to say that when you are where you are and not living it.

Some recent comments on a forum regarding whether one expects to be in more than one marriage/committed relationship has irked me a bit.

Some members have commented that they love their husband so much and he is their soulmate and knows them like no other etc etc, that they could not possibly never ever have another love if their husband died.

Well, it's easy to comment like that when they aren't living it and it may be that if it did happen to these women that they'd stay on their own and it's everyones own choice what's right for them.

The part that irks me is that their statements imply that those that do move on didn't have a love as strong, a soulmate etc (because if ones love was strong and your spouse your soulmate then you couldn't possibly love another). I know that is not what they have written (or meant) but I just had to write about it here....it irked me, now I'm letting it go.

Quirky Meme

2008-08-15T12:03:00.002+10:00

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell about six unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag six fellow bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the six blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

Ali from Just talk, Just Words, Just thoughts tagged me for this meme. Here goes:

1. I cannot walk around barefoot in my home, I must have on my slippers. Not shoes, has to be slippers and the only exception to this is I may wear a pair of extra thick socks instead.

2. I must go to the toilet as the very LAST thing I do before leaving the house. Usually I put the girls in the car and dash back in to go....it's an annoying quirk that I wish I could break. Maybe one day I will as years ago I would have to get back out of the car before leaving just to make sure the iron was off but now that I don't iron every morning for work, I don't do this.

3. This is a quirk that comes and goes. At times I will count to 10 over and over on my fingers as I try to go to sleep. I used to tap it out on Jeff while snuggling and he'd chuckle at me and tell me to "stop counting and go to sleep!"

4. I park in the very same carpark when I go grocery shopping every week. I can be a bit put out if someone else is in there but that is rare as the park is in the last row of the carpark, so further to walk and most people prefer to park right out the front of the doors.

5. Speaking of grocery shopping. I am one of those people that you see loading up with something on special, eg, if the rice crackers are on special I can been seen buying 12 packets at once and I currently have 12 litres (4 x 3 litre bottles) of orange juice in my garage and enough washing powder to last me into next year.

6. I have to psych myself up to go on the highway or long trip. I am fine once I am driving but when thinking about going on an upcoming trip it can make me feel sick.

Ok, not six to tag but just one and that is Kristie from The Show.

Sharon, going to hide now after revealing these quirks

Wow, just wow

2008-08-13T15:11:00.003+10:00

Yesterday while out shopping with Dawn and the girls, I thought I'd make an appointment for the afternoon at the hairdressers that Dawn goes to because she would be able to look after Kate and Abby for me. But as we approached the salon we saw there was a new salon nearby that was very cheap and offered "no appointments necessary". So as it was opening time and there was only one person in front of me I thought it would be quick and easy to duck into there as I really only wanted a trim and that shouldn't take very long.

So the doors opened and I went in and told them I would like a trim. The woman sat me down and placed the apron on me. She then walked away and proceeded to talk to a couple of other workers. Fine, I thought, she will be back in a minute, they have just opened and some directions etc are being sorted (even though it didn't sound like it).

BUT....this little voice as saying to me, "Leave, just get up and leave"

I noticed another customer was getting his hair trimmed. I wasn't very happy about this as he had come in after me and also after the girl that had been sat down next to me.

The little voice again was saying to me, "Leave, just get up and leave"

I looked at the time and was thinking about going and thought I'd give them a couple more minutes.

The little voice was still saying to me, "Leave, just get up and leave"

Then a hairdresser (I use this term very lightly) came over to myself and the other girl and asked who was first. I raised my hand and said, "me"

HD: What do you want done? (no smiling, this obviously person did not want to be there)

Me: Just a trim please

HD: So about an inch off?

Me: ?, umm what did you say? (I thought I'd heard correctly but wanted to make sure as she had a bit of an accent also)

HD: An inch? Half and inch?

Me: Just the very ends thanks. (I held up my fingers to show just under a cm)

HD: So an inch?

Me: ?, no, just the ends (again I held up my fingers to show her just under about a cm)

HD: umph, yeah, (unintelligible) an inch

Me: ! Just a cm thanks!

The look on her face was even more unhappy now and that little voice was screaming at me now, "Leave!"

But no I didn't. Silly me.

She started cutting the ends at the back and I tried but couldn't see how much she was taking off.

Then she grabbed a section at the top and back of my head and held it up, combed it to cut and I watched as now I could see how much she was going to take off.

WELL, I couldn't believe my eyes when she cut this section! Half of it an inch was cut off and the other half an inch and a half was cut off!!!

Me: NO! That is way too much!

HD: I'll go get Jo. (I assume Jo (can't remember actual name) was the manager.)

Off she went. I was dumbfounded. I stood up and turned to the girl beside me and said, "I told her this much...this much" The girl had watch the debate about how much I wanted off, so she had seen.

The HD comes back and said Jo would be here in a minute and proceeds to ask the girl next to me what she wanted done (even though another hairdresser had already spoken to her and left her to search for a style in some books).

I took my apron off and threw it over the chair.

HD: Aren't you going to wait for Jo?

M: Uh, no. Wow, just wow. (I was speechless. I wasn't staying to even talk to Jo because the attitude was unbelievable from the HD and I also hadn't been impressed with the attitude the girl beside me had gotten from her hairdresser (very unhelpful) and I assumed the manager was the one who put me in the chair and left me without a word of how long it would be or anything like nice pleasantries.

Then I walked out. Finally I listened to that little (and now very loud) voice that had been telling me to leave.

I walked straight over to the salon Dawn goes to, explained what had happened and made and appointment for that afternoon. I had an obvious chunk out of my hair because she had cut an inch and a half off in part with that last snip. I shudder that think how bad my hair would have been if I hadn't of stopped her.

Thankfully Dawn's hairdresser knew what she was doing and was able to blend the chunk so it isn't obvious at all.

Oh, and I'm not the first unhappy customer from the first cheap salon to go to them to get a bad cut fixed. One woman had to have a bad cut and colour fixed and then took her bill straight back over to the cheap salon and made them reimburse her.

I must listen to this voice more. I must say I am so proud I did get up and go (eventually), years ago I most probably would have waited until the cut was finished and then cried after paying.

2008-08-04T20:31:00.002+10:00

The offical wedding invitation for my younger brothers wedding has arrived. Abby and Kate are going to be flower girls.

How do I do this?

How do I get though this?

As soon as I opened the envelope I started to cry. They asked me to do a reading but I had to say no...I know there is no way I could do it.

The RSVP asks for 3 song choices to dance to. Thinking about it and getting up to dance and having a good time is making me cry...and it's not that I don't want to do this but I am scared I am not going to be able to. I want to be strong for them...this is their day.

I have 11 weeks left to prepare.

Just an update

2008-07-28T17:58:00.004+10:00

It's been a month since I last blogged but I really just haven't felt like it.

I am sick at the moment. I caught it off Abby who had to stay home from school today and at this point I think maybe tomorrow too.

I started walking on my treadmill again a couple of weeks ago. Then last week it was so cold and wet here that I just couldn't motivate myself to do it. Now the beginning of this week and I am sick. Oh well, I will get back on there again soon.

I have started reading the Twilight series. (http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/)
I stumbled across a post about the new movie based on the book and on a whim, having nothing here at home that was calling out to me to read, I ordered it. There are 3 books in the series with another one being released in a few days. I am wishing now I had ordered the 3 of them all at once!! I am keen to read the next two to catch up. I have to be careful visiting boards about the series in case I spoilt it for myself. I've already come across a few things so I am not looking anymore.

I am really missing having someone special in my life but at the same time as I think I would like to meet someone, I also think it's all too much trouble, how it would complicate things (in a life that is already heavy with baggage). Sounds awful doesn't it, to think that a loved one (as that would be hopefully the end result) is too much trouble. But at this point that person is imaginary, well real as in out there (I hope?) but imaginary as there is no connection to honour. Blah blah blah, sometimes getting thoughts to paper (blog) is so much harder than it should be!

Oh well, what will be will be.

Before picking up Twilight, I started reading some books that I'd read not long before meeting Jeff. (http://www.shaktigawain.com/) Back then these books gave me an inner peace I haven't had in my life ever before. This time it is much harder to concentrate and put the theory into practice. I have two young children that test my patience now but I pulled out my meditation CD (http://www.henniebekker.com/Music/Reverie.html) and played it last week. It was so soothing and I played it in the morning as we got ready for the school run and it was one of the best weeks for the girls getting ready.

Another book I have here is called Unconditional Parenting but I've only had a quick look at that at this point. (http://unconditionalparenting.com/up/)

Ok, just wanted to update. Not sure when I'll be posting again.

Meltdown

2008-06-29T18:58:00.002+10:00

Meltdown...well the past couple of weeks has been building up to this.

Taking some deep breaths.

I am reading about AD's, wondering if this will help. But I am one of those people that are really relulant to take drugs, even panadol. Maybe I should start taking the St Johns Wort again.

Staying positive takes so much energy.

I seem to go ok for a while and then crash......is this normal? I'm sure it is but why can't I just keep going ok? Sigh.

I feel like I've taken a few steps backwards recently.

I have no patience and am easily frustrated and irritated by the girls (this is not fair on them). Is it grief/depression or am I just a horrible person? A bad Mum?

Sigh, I tell myself that I am not a bad Mum but I still feel bad regardless.

I actually thought I was doing ok without the St Johns but now I think that I was mistaken....I am going to start taking them again.

Ok, off for a few days (school holidays). Might get some babysitting and take some time out to see a movie or get some pampering done.

2008-06-15T20:44:00.003+10:00

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Money and a certain family member...make that MY money and a certain family member...

NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER NEVER EVER NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!

And if he doesn't pay it back tomorrow as promised, then I will not be speaking or having anything to do with him until he does (should be easy since he NEVER rings me or anyone else in the family for that matter). He has had it now for over a week in his account and refuses to transfer it to me. I have been waiting 7 months for him to sell his car to be able to pay me for my old car. And I gave him a great deal (he sold his much older crapper car for more than I am charging him for mine...so GREAT deal). And I kept the insurance on it. And I paid extra on the insurance as his suburb is higher risk.

Is this appreciated? I am told it is but well from where I stand actions speak louder than words!

Binge time....I have lost 2 kilos in the past couple of weeks and I am an emotional eater, so yep, out came the chocolate.

Sigh.

2008-06-04T21:05:00.003+10:00

LOL, I just got off the phone with my furture SIL.

And I just got in to trouble for remembering her birthday.

She wanted me to forget hers to make up for the fact that she forgot mine this year and Abby's.

Funny story about my birthday though was she actually rang me all excited asking me if I received "something" in the mail. I thought for a minute, wondering if I should have gotten a birthday card then remembered that her "Save the Date" card for her and my brothers wedding had arrived. So she was happy and was just doing a ring to a few people to check they were arriving. As she went to hang up I asked her if that was it? Yes. There was nothing else she was ringing about? No. Nothing else to say? No. Lol, ummm, how about Happy Birthday! Oops!

Haha, she will not be allowed to forget it:)

Why did I take the brochure?

2008-06-04T17:32:00.004+10:00

As I lay in bed last night, I remember an incident that had occurred whilst I was shopping that morning and it dawned on me how insulting this woman had been to me.

You know those stalls in the centre of shopping centre isles where they hound you as you walk pass trying to rub hand cream on your hands or sell you some beauty cream product...well in a moment of pure stupidity I agreed to take one of their brochures. Well, I thought that I would take it and be on my way (why I even did this I still have no idea) but no she said, "Can I ask you a quick question"

Me: (thinking) Oh boy

As she peered at my face she stumbled on her words saying, "ummm, your redness and ah dryness"

Me: I just looked at her...what the?! I know I'm not wearing any makeup but my skin is better for not wearing it constantly...redness? dryness?

Now if she'd said bags under my eyes, well that I would have given that to her (note to self, must go to bed earlier).

Her: "Ummm, what do you do for that?"

Me: "Nothing, I just wanted this (waving the brochure at her). I don't have the time right now" and then I walked off. I had no desire to go though my skin care routine, especially with about 14kgs wiggling in my arms.

Not that I wanted anything from them anyway (once again.. why did I take the brochure?!) but there is no chance they will ever get a sale from me now.

I remember being a bit taken aback but I had a heap of errands I needed to do and didn't really think about how insulted I'd just been.

As I remembered this last night I got up and looked at my face in the mirror.....no, just as I thought, no redness or dryness. In fact I noticed that I am really quite pale at the moment. I can only put the redness down to the fact that I would have been quite flushed at the time, having just carried Kate (who is going though a "pick me up" stage at the moment) from one end of the shopping centre to the other and I still had my cardigan on that I didn't need on inside as the centre was nice and warm.

I had to have a laugh though.....do they really think that approach is going to get them any sales...haha I think not. If I did have redness and dryness, I'd appreciate a much gentler approach than that! Rather than a blurt out of my supposed flaws.

2008-05-20T13:23:00.001+10:00

Sigh...after getting through yesterday ok I then started to feel guilty about coping.....sigh.

INXS-Never Tear Us Apart

2008-05-19T20:28:00.001+10:00

2 years

2008-05-19T20:14:00.005+10:00

I really wanted to just wake up today and find that it was Tuesday. But alas that was never going to happen.

I got a sign (I think) from Jeff almost first thing. I turned on the radio and after a few announcements/ads the first song came on and it was the song that we had requested to be the last song played at the end of our wedding, "Never tear us apart" by INXS.

(which is posted above)

The day has ended up being ok. As usual the lead up was harder (I spoke to Brian (Jeff's Dad) last night and had a cry then). I had Abby's sports day to attend this morning so that certainly was a distraction. Rebecca gave me a lovely candle and stand which I have burning now as well as some bath salts and soaps with instructions that I need to take some time out occasionally to have a soak.

So I did, tonight in candlelight and it was lovely.....as I soaked I talked to Jeff.

ETA: Just wanted to put down, in relation to my turning the radio on and getting that song at that particular time, that my alarm, which I clearly remember setting the night before, didn't go off. It has never done this before but it set off a chain reaction whereby I got off to a late start by a few minutes, hence the turning on of the radio when I did and the first song being "Never Tear Us Apart". If I had of gotten up as I normally did I may have heard the song before played first and the message not such an impact as it had by hearing this song as the very first for the day. Hope that makes sense.

2008-05-12T21:54:00.003+10:00

You know at some point I must have stopped wanting to hold on to the pain, hold on to it like it was my last connection with Jeff.

Now I want to run from it. Run as fast as I can, not letting it touch me as I know that it will hurt and it will hurt bad.

I don't think I can run from it though? Maybe I can? Maybe, but I think that is just wishful thinking. I know the pain will crash on me again these coming days but then I will rise up and breathe again.

I still hold on to Jeff though....Jeff the man I loved with all my heart, Jeff my soulmate, my best friend, my lover, the father of my children, the one I could be completely myself with, my soft place to fall. I most definately have not let him go and I never will.

I hold on to him, not the pain of losing him. I hold on the our precious memories that we created together. And I cherish the two most precious gifts he helped me to create.

Each day I am finding more peace. I feel him with me everyday. I am alone physically but I don't feel alone. I feel him walking beside me, wanting me to be happy, encouraging me to live this life, to not waste it.

I see my blessings more and my heartaches less.

I know where I am heading, I just need to make good what I do before I get there.

PS: Late night ramblings...I hope they make sense

2008-05-12T21:44:00.002+10:00

I know the day is coming, it is only a week away now, but.....I don't want to think about it......I don't want to think about it......I don't want to think about it....

Flashes of that moment are entering my mind now......I don't want to think about it.....

It will be 2 years.....my mind struggles to comprehend that 2 years have past since I last saw you, held you, kissed you.....

.....I don't want to think about it.

2008-05-02T11:38:00.002+10:00

Sunday just gone would have been our 6th Wedding anniversary.

I woke up and just wanted to block out the special meaning of the day. Then I read the poem that my friend Rebecca had written (a few years ago) and given to me (with some lovely flowers) and the tears flowed. I needed the release but then I was ok for the rest of the day. I didn't do anything specific like last year when I bought a rose bush....that I am sure Jeff was wondering why at the time, since I really don't have a green thumb....and sure enough that rose bush is no longer alive.

With my friend Rebecca's permission I will share her beautiful poem here. She is truly a blessing in my life.

Even if cold wind kissed,
where your mouth should be kissing instead,
I am sure I would still feel your lips,
for I know well what love they have said.

Even if torrid sun burnt,
where your hands should be burning my skin,
I am sure I would still feel their hold,
For I summon their heat from within.

Even if harsh rain poured,
where the wind and the hot sun had been,
I am sure I would still feel you there,
even still now that you I can't see.

Taking a break

2008-04-23T19:54:00.002+10:00

I am taking a break from blogging and being on the computer. I have been sick again and I have no energy and I am basically extremely run down. I need to stay off the computer and get some quality rest instead. For example, I usually have a surf during the day whilst Kate is having her nap but for the past few days, I have slept instead. I actually thought I would just watch the midday movie and relax rather than catching up on all the goss on a parenting forum I visit but found I couldn't keep my eyes open. It is quite obvious that I need lots of rest right now. Looking forward to doing some reading....I have started Bryce Courtenay's Sylvia.

Just before I do disappear for a little while, Abby had quite an emotional episode this evening. She was sobbing and crying and wanting to "go out and bring Daddy home". I comforted her as much as possible and she has been holding Jeff's photo and talking to him. I heard her tell him that she loves him, misses him and won't give up on him (?). She told me she would miss him every day for a hundred years.

It breaks my heart and I can't fix this for her.

Sigh....I hate this.

2008-04-16T17:35:00.004+10:00

I just got the girls out of the bath and as I was drying Kate off I asked her how she was feeling because she has had a temp today and is a little unwell. She said to me in the cutest little poor me voice, "Mum, I'm sick". Really had to hear it to get the cuteness of it.

I am a little annoyed at what Abby told me whilst in the bath. I took her hairbands out (she wore piggy tails today) and her hair bands are pink. She also had a small pink flower clip in today as well. Anyway, I know she liked her hair today and was showing one of her friends and another Mum when I was dropping her off. So I'm not sure if the comment from her teacher was made just because or maybe Abby especially said "look at my hair today" to her and hence the comment. Anyway, she was told that Mr #####, who is the principle of the younger section of the school, does not like pink hairbands and only wants hair bands that are school colours and if he sees pink ones he might take them out!

Not happy. For crying out loud....they are hairbands! Such a minor issue in the scheme of things. Sure I'm all for promoting school pride and the wearing of the school uniform. Abby even has the school logo bag (with a pink tag....I wonder if THAT is allow). But I think it goes too far to tell a 5 year old that her hair bands might be taken out. Way to make her feel bad. Anyway, until this issue is raised with me personally I think I will ignore it, will continue to use whatever colour hairband I pull out of the girls multi-coloured supply and have told Abby that whilst she must listen to her teacher about most things, pink hair bands are fine by Mummy.

Ummm, I have thought that maybe I should say something to the teacher as I don't like that Abby was told they might be taken out but then I don't want to make a big deal out of it as it is a minor issue and as long as they don't actually act on it further I am happy to ignore it.

BTW, this is a public school, so whilst they encourage a school uniform I don't think they can MAKE students wear it. I think that the P & C voted to enforce a school uniform policy but I am unsure as to how this sits legally.

Gosh, Abby is well presented, has her hair brushed and is neat and tidy....but coloured hairbands. Compared to some of the kids appearances...especially those in senior years...well.

Anyway, I'm off the have minor surgery tomorrow. Nothing bad (I hope) but I found a small lump on my right thigh and after having it scan they saw there was 2 small lumps. The specialist thinks its best to remove them. The thought is they are just benign fatty lumps that will just grow and get big and ugly. They will still be tested to be certain that they aren't anything bad. My main concern is the twilight anaesthetic that I will have....I am going to ask if a local will be enough....should have done at the appointment last week but it all happened rather quickly.

2008-04-11T20:12:00.002+10:00

Out of head lice has come something positive....who would have thought!

Since the infestation, I have insisted that Abby sleep in her own bed. Using the excuse that I didn't want to re-infest her (and Abby quickly picked up that she could re-infest me and so on...clever girl).

So this has been going really well and Abby hasn't even been coming into my bed in the middle of the night...yay!

However, a couple of nights ago she was really wanting to sleep in my bed. So we came to a compromise that Fridays nights would be sleep over nights. We (meaning I) chose this night as there is no school the next day and Abby likes to stay up and watch Better Homes and Gardens. This way the night is a bit of a treat, with her favourite Friday night show and a snuggle with Mum.

2008-04-09T18:58:00.002+10:00

Argh, I must be so run down. I've been sick again and this time it hit me hard.

Last Saturday was Abby's 5th birthday and we had a great day. Mum and Brian came and Abby opened her presents than spent the morning cooking some fairy wand biscuits.

Rebecca and her two daughters came over after lunch and we sang happy birthday, cut the cake and the girls had a little afternoon tea party.

I had been feelings a little unwell most of the day but I thought my cold was still hanging around. Little was I to know that not very long after everyone had left it decided to hit me full force! After managing to get Kate to bed, I lay on the lounge and tried to keep Abby company as she watched Happy Potter but soon found I had to go to bed. I was heating up, but couldn't keep warm, was shivering and shaking and aching all over. When I took my temp a couple of hours later it was 39.

Also a couple of hours later I had to get up and carry Abby to bed as she had fallen asleep on the lounge. Quite an effort when one is sick...Abby weighs about 17 and a half kilos now, so not too heavy but heavy enough. Trying to get her pull ups on was tricky.

I didn't have the greatest night and really needed to spend all Sunday in bed but it is obviously impossible when I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. I was in and out of bed more than I would have liked and was none too pleased to hear the following called out to me:

"Mum, Kate has the honey and she has made a mess everywhere" yay

and

"Mum, Kate has weed on the lounge" sigh

I felt a little better during 10am and 1pm but then it started all over again. Fortunately I got Kate to bed for a nap and got some quality rest then.

Dinner for the girls.....ice cream and raspberries.....well there is fruit and dairy in there so not too bad really.

I had to make myself bath them, as I was unable to Saturday night when it first hit, and I was not going to let them go two nights without a bath. Ice cream and raspberries for dinner I could live (ha ha) with but not bathing them for two nights straight....well I was tempted but just couldn't do it.

Monday I woke up and still needed more recovery time. I never even got out of my pyjamas...well I wasn't going anywhere and no one was expected. I was still very tired and my brain felt strangely like it was badly bruised and would hurt with every step. My throat was sore and I was concerned that it was going to get worse, so gargled betadine every 3 hours. I rested as much as I could. And crashed again when Kate napped.

Thankfully I woke up much better on Tuesday but since this had followed on from a cold and a feeling of being drained with little energy, I let most of the housework take a back seat to getting more rest.

I think I will be taking it easy for a while. I've been pushing myself way too much with my exercise (walking to school pickup) and worrying too much about the car issue with my brother (not worrying is easier said than done though but I will try). Coming up this month is what should be Jeff's and my 6th wedding anniversary. And then it will be 2 years next month. Although it is over a month away, I am feeling it building now.

Sometimes I think the body just turns around and say, "Well, if you won't rest than I'll MAKE you" And this is what has happened here.

I seriously need to put Kate in daycare for a regular break or Dawn offered to look after her regularly for me (after they get back from overseas in 7 weeks) maybe one day a fortnight and I mentioned this to Mum and she offered to help too (also when they get back from overseas...leave in 10 days for 5 weeks).

2008-03-30T18:38:00.002+10:00

Argh.....I'm sick :(

I have spent most of today in bed and then had to clean up after 2 little girls left to get up to mischief while supposed to be watching a DVD.

I was feeling sick yesterday but it was mild and I was hoping it would be gone today but no such luck. I don't think getting soaking wet from the storm that was raining horizontally during school pickup on Friday helped me much! And I am NOT kidding when I say it was raining horizontally!! Poor Kate was in her stroller shaking and quite upset about it all (reminder raincoats are better put on properly not drapped over her). Abby though was having a great time under her umbrella with Clarissa trying to squash up next to her. Rebecca had no hope without any raincoat or umbrella. I was willing to share mine but it was hopeless anyway! We made our way from the classroom to an undercover area (it started going horizontal when we did this) but had to hundle behind the water toughs because the roof of the undercover area was totally ineffective! Eventually it died down just enough to make a dash to our cars, then straight home to have a warm shower and to dry the car out.

Well, we had a good laugh about it. Not sure we would have been laughing quite so much if winter was here already though!

Oh, and I wasn't laughing as I cleaned up because I didn't close my windows!

2008-03-23T20:20:00.002+10:00

We have had a good weekend so far. The front gardens now have some edging done and are remulched, so are looking really nice. We also cleaned around the "tree" out front on the council green strip (it still needs to be tied up 18 months later....not sure if it will ever grow into a tree!) and remulched it too.

Dawn did a heap of weeding for me....the top of my back retaining wall backs onto vacant land and the vine over the fence is forever growing though and making a mess up there.

Dawn also painted the inside of the girls cubby. I bought some pink paint to pretty it up in there and one wall is now a blackboard. I also bought and painted some wooden flowers (blue) to put up on the wall and will buy a few more things to make it a girly space for them....ie, a rug or two, some frames to hang etc.

The girls had their Easter egg hunt yesterday while Dad and Dawn were here. Kate did the same thing as last year.....found one egg and stopped to eat it....while Abby ran about finding most of them. With some encouragement Kate found some more.

Ummm, what else...nothing really that I can think of. Oh, I did talk to my brother about my old car and have given him a week to change ownership over to himself or bring it back to me and I will sell it. It only has a few more months of rego and he has had close to 5 months already. I don't want to be trying to sell it with 2 weeks rego left or worse! It was a hard phone call to make but he understood....well, as my Dad pointed out, he said all the right things....as he always does. With David though, his actions are so far apart from what he says....so fingers crossed it will be sorted one way or the other by next weekend. Then I just have to get payment for the car!

Sigh, Dad did warn me!

Well, I've learnt the hard way....but never again.

(Still looking for my motivation....I know it is here somewhere).

Our Memory Quilts

2008-03-14T12:41:00.008+10:00

My beautiful stepmum Dawn has finished the quilts. Originally they were to be quillows but she found that they wouldn't fold right so she made some bags for them instead. The design is something that we both worked on and came up with together. I knew I wanted hearts and Dawn suggested the 3 pieced style. I also knew that the main colours would be red, blues and beige as this was what Jeff had most off. Dawn with her quilting eye was able to lay them out to look balanced in a quilt like way, IYKWIM.

It was so hard after making the decision to do these to actually start cutting his clothes up. It was emotional and I wondered if it was going to turn out as I pictured or would I end up just ruining his clothes. But as it has turned out I couldn't be happier and I am so grateful to Dawn for all her help with these.

The double borders and backing aren't made from Jeff's clothes. The red bordered one is mine, Abby chose the beige bordered one for herself because there was a swirl on one of the red heart pieces that she likes, and that leaves the dark blue bordered one for Kate. Abby slept with hers last night.

PS: Thanks to Ali for the idea of a memory quilt. I came so close to giving all Jeff's clothes away until I read a post by Ali that mentioned her plan to do some memory quilts. So with that idea I kept his clothes to do some too. I am so thankful that I did. So thanks, Ali :)

2008-03-13T20:35:00.003+10:00

I had my ultra sound today and although the person who did the scan was not supposed to tell me the results (should wait to see GP) as I was leaving, she did let me know that is was all ok and most likely a lipoma (fatty deposit)....YAY! The doctor who had come in to do the check was in and out in 15 seconds, asked simply if it had grown (no) or painful (no), then left. So it obviously was normal in appearance with no cause for concern.

On another note, I had to keep Abby home from school today............she had HEAD LICE!!! Yucky! So after letting the school know so all the other parents should do checks, we went to the chemist to get a treatment. I invested in a good comb as I would be naive to think that this will be the only case of them......2 girls and 16 more years of school.....I think the odds are well in the lice's favour unfortunately. I found a non chemical product that I thought I'd give a go first and also picked up some conditioner for combing them out. It all went well and Abby's hair feels wonderful and soft from the conditioner (I have since read that the eggs can make the hair feel gritty). Dad and Dawn came for a visit and I got Dawn to check my hair (Kate didn't have any) but she could see any. But later after they went home I decided to put the treatment though anyway as I was feeling something in my hair........and sure enough I found a couple. No where near as many as poor Abby, which is why I hadn't noticed them yet....I'm sure I would have soon though!

I will have to re-treat us both in 7 to 10 days. But in the meantime we can condition and comb each night to remove any eggs left behind. Dad and Dawn will be here for Easter, I think I will get Dawn to redo my treatment, as it is much harder to comb with the nitcomb on your own hair.

Oh and as we were having dinner, my Dad asked Abby what she was going to tell the other children at school when they asked her why she was not as school. Her answer, "I will tell them I had NITS!" HaHa, I blame Dawn for her use of the word nits, I have been calling them head lice because I don't like calling them nits. Not sure why but I just don't. Of course she also might say she had creepy crawlies in her hair which is what she told Dad and Dawn when they arrived.

2008-03-08T10:49:00.003+10:00

I guess I should be grateful that i have been ok for a little while but crashing back down hurts so much. The dark cloud is all around me and it is choking me. I want to push aside yesterdays comments but instead I keep thinking of it and other insensitive comments I've had.
This woman also mentioned that her husband was orphaned, when he was young, after losing his parents a couple of years apart.....just want I needed to hear as I approach two years this May and this coming week go for an ultrasound of a lump on my leg (most probably nothing, a fatty deposit but I need to know for sure).

I just seem to be in a place where nothing is going right, some of it is only minor but they all add up to push me further down.....my investments could be doing better, my brother is lazy about paying me back for my car and I am constantly chasing him about it (very draining...been going on since Nov07), I have plans to do some garden edging and now they are telling me the one I want may not be stocked (it's taken me months to finally find something I like)....and to top it off, the girls are really really challenging at the moment and I am not coping very well. They don't listen, just do want ever they want, they fight all the time with each other, Kate scratches Abby but Abby is always getting in her face and when they do work well together it ends in a huge cleanup for me.

I want to crawl into a hole.

At least I know it is in part hormones and that will pass. And I know that for every down turn, I do come though it eventually.

Sigh....I hate this so much.

2008-03-07T15:37:00.003+10:00

I was chatting to one of the Mums, whom I've chatted to a lot over the past weeks.

"What does your husband do?", she asked

"I'm a widow", I replied

"Oh are you really?" she said....WITH A SMILE!!!! "So you are all on your own then" STILL SMILING!!!

Some people just SUCK!

"And oh they are so young", she said about Kate and Abby

Yeah, and you still SUCK!

Sigh, as if I wasn't having a hard time of it lately anyway. I'm hormonal and the girls are extra challenging right now. And then this to end my week....yay:(

(I don't normally like the word "suck" but it was exactly how I felt about her)

One hour of hosing!

2008-03-02T22:12:00.002+10:00

Today we were allowed to use the hose for one hour (4pm to 5pm). So the girls and I got out and cleaned windows. I thought about using the time to wash the car but I can aways drive to Mum and Brian's and wash it there since they have no restrictions there at all. So windows it was.......and children. With the restrictions the girls are really missing out on running under the sprinkler and hosing each other as we did when growing up. So the end result was some newly washed windows and two VERY wet little girls......such fun! And they loved it, especially Abby, despite the fact that it was a little chilly and breezy.

Oh and of course I had a great time wetting them....hehe.

Meme

2008-02-21T22:20:00.003+10:00

I did this one as it is quick and easy unlike the last one that Ali posted :)

Two Names You Go By: Mummy and Sharon

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now: My PJ's and eternity ring

Two Things You Want In A Relationship: Thoughtfulness and laughter (I liked your answer Ali so I kept it)

Two of Your Favorite Things to Do: walk, read

Two Things You Want Very badly: A happy, healthy family

Two People Who Will Fill This Out:?? Kristie ?

Two Things You Did Last Night: Had fish and chips down in the park by the beach for my birthday, watched TV

Two Things You Have Eaten Today: ham and salad sandwich, maltesers

Two People To Whom You Last Talked: (exl Abby and Kate) sales rep and retail store manager

Two Things You're Doing:Blogging and watching LOST

Two Favorite Holidays:Easter, Christmas (Sorry Day is good too...it took way too long to happen!)

Two Favorite Beverages: Pepsi Max and Pepsi Max! Must drink more water!

2008-02-21T19:33:00.008+10:00

A few random things:

I think I sub consciously self sabotage my weight loss. When I am eating well, I don't feel like exercising and now that I am exercising well, I am eating so much chocolate! Sheesh!

I received a lovely Valentines Day card from Abby that she made at Prep.

One of the other Prep Mums and have hit it off. We started talking when Kate and her almost 3 yo daughter were both playing on the school play equipment at pickup one afternoon in the first week. Her daughter is in the same class as Abby, so we chat most morning and afternoons. I had lunch at her home last week and she is coming here for lunch tomorrow. And coincidently she turned 35 on Tuesday and I turned 35 on Wednesday!

I feel like I have known her for years. It's funny how that can happen.

I can't help but laugh everytime the Nestle Diet yoghurt ad comes on. It's an old one that they are playing again and it still makes me laugh for some reason. It's the one where the two women are having a snack and the one having a "health" bar gets a delivery of calaries but the one eating a Nestle diet yoghurt doesn't. The looks on their faces are so funny, especially when she is told that the calaries MUST go to her thighs...lol.

And talking of ads, how cute is the new bonds ad with the little boy sleeping with his bottom in the air...adorable!

I really need to write down the things I want to blog about. I will think of something and then when I am on the computer I can't remember those things that I thought I wanted to get down!

(Argh! Why are my blank lines not showing up between paragraphs!)

2008-02-10T22:32:00.000+10:00

Tomorrow is Jeff's birthday. He would have been 38.

I have been in denial about it, trying not to think about it at all. The down side of that now is I feel guilty about that...sigh.

And later this month is my 35th birthday. The age Jeff was when he was diagnosed (in the Oct).

So Jeff's birthday, Valentines Day and then my own birthday all within the next 10 days.

Taking some deep breaths.

Support

2008-02-10T12:25:00.000+10:00

In spite of the joke that mentioned last post that may or may not have orginated from Dawn, I want to do a postive post aknowledging the wonderful support that I do get from these same people.

Yes, for a while, I was hurt and it does show that ultimately this is my journey and mine alone (and the girls) not theirs. But these same people are of amazing support to me and I am so grateful and thankful for that support and love that I feel from them. And I want to acknowledge that.

Dad and Dawn are always there for me, to talk to and to help me out. I can't list all that they do for me, the list is so very long. For example though, they were here yesterday and Dad mowed while Dawn did some weeding, Dawn is also making me three quillows out of Jeff's clothes and they helped paint the feature walls. Added to this is their unconditional love and support. As I write I think of how I sat here yesterday telling Dawn about the Cure for Life ad that I saw recently and as I cried, she too cried with me.

Brent and Andrea, although so very far away. Are too a loving support to me. When we stayed with them, I woke up one morning after having a dream that Jeff had left me for another woman and Andrea discovered me crying. That afternoon when she arrived home from work, she brought home with her a bunch of flowers for me. They also are wanting to replace the favours at their wedding this year with donations to my charity of choice (www.cureforlife.org.au) in Jeff's name. This is a touching and so very thoughtful thing for them to do.

So they got something wrong, it hurt at the time but the bigger picture shows me a loving, caring, supporting family that I know would be so hurt themselves to know that I had been hurt by that joke. Which was one of the main reasons that I didn't tell them.

Thank goodness for the loving support that I do have.

2008-02-06T21:16:00.000+10:00

So I am hurting and rather than email this person back that I care about and cause them to feel bad about a comment that wasn't meant for me anyway. I am getting it out here instead.

I got an email of a photo of my Dad tonight where Dawn had accidently forgotten to put the blade on the hair clippers and gave Dad a close shave on one strip.

Well this photo was also sent to my brother and I'm not sure if it is a comment by him or his fiance but it was along the lines of agreeing that it looked like Dad had gotten a much needed brain transpant (I assume Dawn jokingly suggested it to them).

Well, it hurt. Maybe I am just too sensitive and I know it is only a joke (one that I think should have gone to "reply" not "reply all") but it's just too close to home with having Jeff gone through two brain surgeries.

I'll just have my cry and not reply that I didn't find it funny.

Nice way to end the night.

2008-02-06T18:59:00.000+10:00

Sick of walking on the treadmill I decided to walk to pick Abby up from school. So on Monday after some searching I drove 40 mins to pick up a Buggy Board to attach to the back of the stroller to give Abby a spot to rest on when she got tired of walking. And I bought some comfortable outfits to walk in, ie: 3/4 trackies and t-shirts.

Yesterday, we had a good first walk, it was overcast and there was a nice breeze, so the walk was nice. Abby insisted on hopping on the buggy board the moment she left the classroom and I pushed her all the way home, hills and all (Oh, and I have to carry Abby's bag on my back too!). Felt good! It takes me 30 mins each way.

Today, was totally different......it POURED down rain about 5 minutes after we left the school. I was not prepared, so we all ended up SOAKED! It was still a good walk but I will be making sure I take raincoats from now on. Thankfully it is summer, so getting wet was not too bad, in fact it was more of an adventure for the girls. Kate was less happy than Abby though. I asked Abby what she thought of todays walk and she said, "Great!"

Gosh, we must have looked a sight today, lol! I wonder what people were thinking of us looking like drowned rats, walking in the pouring rain.

Bad Fall

2008-02-01T12:41:00.000+10:00

Kate gave me a huge fright this morning. We were in Abby's room, tidying up when she climbed up on the bed and started jumping. I don't like the girls jumping on the bed after Abby had a fall when she was only 2 and fractured her arm.

But before I could react, she bounced, bounced, bounced.........and bounced off the end. As she fell face first, she rolled over and fell badly on her head, landing on her back. Her head was not tucked under well, it was an arkward fall and land......I thought I would be ringing for an ambulance.

Immediately she started crying and trying to sit up......this let me know her neck was ok as she was moving and I grabbed her and held her tight.

This all took less than a minute and was an awful, frightening experience.

I wish though that I didn't actually see her land as it looked so awful and I keep replaying the moment in my head.

Lucky.......so so lucky.

2008-01-31T11:10:00.000+10:00

I left Kate within sight (about 4 metres away) as I help Abby empty her school bag. Then as Abby started playing with some play dough I went to get Kate to join us. Standing next to her was Abby's teacher and a parent. I couldn't help but overhear a part of their conversation.

The father was saying something about his schedule and I heard 8:15 mentioned, the teacher responded with that the classroom doors opened at 8:30 am. It was the parents response to this that I couldn't help but overhear as he raised his voice and said, "So you are prepared to leave a 4 year old child out there by themselves...." I didn't hear it all as I moved away with Kate, as it was none of my business and I wanted to settle Abby in but I did hear the teacher say a couple of minutes later, "I am sorry, I don't know the school's policy on that please see someone in the office."

I was quite annoyed at that parent. And felt for the teacher. Why is it the teacher leaving him out there alone...hello...it is YOU as his parent that is leaving him! It amazes me sometimes the way people view things.

Oh and both times that I've picked Abby up, I've been waiting in line and had a parent squeeze pass me once in the classroom (as it widens up (only a little due to desks) and then even more where all the children are sitting waiting), just to get ahead to collect their child...really bugged me, why can't people wait their turn! Ummm, you were behind me entering the classroom, why do you think it is now ok to push in front of me? And you know, my child is just as important as yours and I am as eager to collect her as you are yours.

Sigh, YEARS and YEARS to go.

LOL, gotta laugh.

Oh, and I feel like an outsider in the school...not really :)....but I hear more pommy accent than anything else. Brian would really fit in with his strong accent.

Prep

2008-01-30T19:11:00.001+10:00

Abby started Prep yesterday. She was great, excited and eager to start. I was ok and only became emotional when I overheard a father saying goodbye to his daughter, telling her, that her Mummy would stay for a little longer and he wanted to hear all about her day when he got home from work. Thankfully, I managed not to cry.

More about Abby's first day on the girls blog, some photos too :)

Emerald

2008-01-22T18:13:00.000+10:00

I have just watched the latest news about the Emerald flooding and now I am crying.

Why?......I don't live there.

But I did.....Jeff and I did and now as all this is happening I am remembering those years that we spent there. Emerald was where he was living when we met. Emerald was where we shared our first home together, where we got married, where our first daughter together was born.

I have an huge emotional attachment to that town and many memories.

And right now while it is headlines in the news....he isn't here for me to talk to about it all, to discuss how where we got married would be under water now, to wonder what was happening to our old home, to see the golf course that he played on (and many times I would walk around with him) on the news under water.

How fragile this journey is, how easy it is to have the wind knocked out of you as you travel this lonely road.

ETA: I think my post may sound quite selfish without thought to those that are actually in the town, with homes and business and crops and cattle affected/underwater. I am thinking of them. I hope their losses are minimal, although news reports do report big losses. But fortunately there has been no loss of life.

2008-01-14T18:04:00.000+10:00

Argh! Summer, when all those nasty insects, spiders and snakes come out!

So for weeks now I have been knocking down the Paper Wasp nest that is constantly being rebuilt under my letterbox. Intially my Dad burnt it as when I first discovered it, it was the size of my fist! Since then, I check everytime I collect the mail and if possible (no wasps on the nest) I will knock it down. They are so determined, most days I have been knocking it down (usually it is just one tiny beginning piece) but at the moment it is now a little bigger and a wasp is always on it....bugger!

Another summer hate is spiders. One of the worst being the Redback . Now, it had been years since I saw a Redback...until I moved here. I have had to kill two of them so far, the first one was in the garage and found by Abby right after my wasp nest discovery and the lastest one was just this Saturday under one of my outdoor chairs. Thankfully they have such a telltale web, that as soon as I saw it I knew there was something nasty under the chair. I hoped it wasn't a Redback but it was...shoot! Nasty little things they are!

Then on Sunday I had to kill a Hornet that had gotten inside. Abby pointed it out to me on the blinds and I gave it a good wack with my fly swatter, only to find, much to my horror that all I had done was pushed him though to the other side of the blinds.....and now he was angry! I slowly opened the blinds to find out where he was and he almost got out! So I quickly closed the blinds. Next plan of attack was to send Abby outside to let me know where on the window he was, once I knew I gave the spot a good hit and thankfully this time I got him.

Then today as I was approaching my gate to go collect my bins....I saw a snake!!!! It was only about a foot long (I think, I never saw the head) and I think it was a green tree snake as it was green in colour but I only saw it for a second. It headed off under the gate down to my neighbours (they were out so I haven't yet been able to let them know). By the time I felt ok to unlock the gate, (I was also carrying Kate as she was going to "help" me bring the bins in) it was gone and most probably in the rock retaining wall between our properties. Hopefully it is long gone by now.

Arrrgh!!! Summer!!!

2008-01-14T13:02:00.000+10:00

Up......down

Up......down

Up......down

and so on

at least I feel the ups are lasting longer and the downs are less.

The girls are really trying my patience at the moment. It is so hard being a single mum and while I understand that most parents are dealing with the same issues of bad behaviour, testing the boundaries etc.... in the heat of the moment you really think that it is only happening to you. Every day I wake up hoping that today will be a better day and that I will cope better with the fighting and inability to listen etc. And thankfully I think I can say that each day I react better, and I am more and more dealing with the issue at hand and not dragging all the emotions of days past back in, (which only compounds how bad I feel, how out of control and what a failure as a mother I am).

So taking deep breaths and just dealing with the current issue at hand.

Parenting, it too is one day at a time.

2008-01-03T12:16:00.000+10:00

I got though Christmas quite well. It helps that the girls and their enjoyment of the day is the main focus. On Boxing Day we headed over to Dad and Dawns and ended up staying two nights. Brent and Andrea are down visiting, so it was good to spend some time with them and it was a good excuse to put off coming home.

When it came to New Years Eve, I had an internal debate as to whether I wanted to just stay home or go to Dad and Dawn's should it turn out that they were going to be home. When they said to come over if I wanted as they weren't going anywhere (and Brent and Andrea would be there too), I jumped at the invite as I am finding it hard to be alone at home lately (naturally not totally alone as the girls are here but children are such different company to other adults). The night started out ok but as midnight approached I started to get low and took myself to bed, saying I was tired, as I didn't want to spoilt the evening for everyone else. My Dad poked his head in at midnight and while I was awake I pretended to be asleep and didn't respond....I felt really guilty about this.

I ended up staying the next night as well since I would only be heading back there to catch up with my cousin Leesa and her family, who is holidaying down from Northern Qld.

So I've had quite a number of days away and it has been good to have the adult company.

2007-12-21T19:36:00.000+10:00

Sigh.....even waking up a few times didn't stop this dream, no not a dream a nightmare, continuing. Each time I fell back to sleep it would return.

Jeff had returned....yes that was wonderful but he wanted a divorce and there was no changing his mind :(

Sigh...not a great start to the day but I am ok now.

Hoping for a much nicer dream tonight.

Feature Walls

2007-12-16T14:21:00.000+10:00

I mentioned a little while ago in another post that I was wanted to do some feature walls in my home. Well, thanks to Dad and Dawn, it was done this weekend. Dad did most of it with Dawn helping out with a little of the edging work. Later she planted a heap of plants for me while I mowed...yes mowed....still iching from the grass today....I really could never mow again in my life and be ok with it but I wanted to give Dad's hands a break. Besides, I am quite capable of doing it but my problem is with getting the mower started.....and would you believe that I even did that myself too!! The trick apparently is to prime it more than is recommended....thanks for sharing that Dad, now I have NO excuse not to do it ;)

So here are some photos of the newly painted walls.

This is when you first walk through my front door...the green wall at the end.

On the other side of that wall is my kitchen and we continued the paint around there.

The recess in my hallway

My curved wall in my lounge room.

My bedroom

The study (looking back from the window)

the study from the door

The Family Room

Now I just need to find some artwork I like to hang.

2007-12-09T14:07:00.000+10:00

It is dark
I am falling
Always there are huge holes
Of which I must climb back out of

Sometimes the hole is one of overwhelming sadness
But this one is filled with anger
Of self pity and why me
And of hate for this world....and the next

What is the point?

I wonder if they would be better off without me?
All I offer right now is anger
I want the love to pour out of me to them
But I can't find it

Where is it?
The anger blinds me
But I need to find it
To save them

To save me

2007-12-02T12:50:00.000+10:00

The only thing about being up is that inevitably you will fall....as I have, but I am ok. I managed to get though the 18 months mark whilst in Mackay. I was determined that I wouldn't "make a big deal" out of it if you know what I mean. It is so hard, this journey and a constant struggle to keep swimming, so I just kept pushing the thought out of my mind and although it keep popping back, I just kept it to myself, rather than burden those I was with, with it also. Also, I think it is hard enough the annual anniversary without doing it twice a year!

I managed until the next day...then the tears came.

Christmas is just around the corner. I actually felt up to putting decorations up this year and am glad I have. The girls and I put them up yesterday and they had a great time. Kate was very helpful with putting the baubles on the tree, she did a get job, getting only a little frustrated with the fiddly string at times. The 5 baubles hanging off one of the lights was cute, needless to say I fixed that up later :) Abby had the special task of putting the star on top. She was able to just manage this year as the tree we have is only little (although it was a bit crooked) but next year I hope to have a much larger tree and we'll have to tackle it a little differently then.

We are even having Christmas here this year (Boxing Day with Dad and Dawn this year) because it is less travel for David and Dannielle with Jack because I am the half way mark for them to Mum and Brians, so they are all coming here instead. We will all pitch in and help, with David and Dannielle in charge of nibbles, Mum the main meal (her choice) and me the setting up and desserts. At first Mum was a bit disappointed I think as she wanted it at her house, but it makes more sense to have it here, otherwise us with children would have been doing all the travelling and we both have to travel Boxing Day too. Mum and Brian, won't be staying Christmas night, which means Mum can't drink much, so that is something I am very happy about....I don't like the change in her when she drinks...too many bad memories there. She has suggested they stay Christmas Eve but that will be decided closer to the day.

Slowly I am getting some things done, the car windows have been tinted (not without a little drama when it was discovered that one of the windows wasn't working....I haven't used it since buying the car). I have sorted out my office and don't even think I needed the wall selves anymore. I had a set of free standing display shelves in there that I was using as part storage and part display...I took the unneeded vase off and moved a few things around and viola, there was room for my folders! Now why didn't I do that months ago! I will be posting off Christmas gifts tomorrow (or Tuesday) so that's another job almost done. A couple of forms to fill out and my insurance will be under way (and if they want blood tests done, then they will come to my home, which is great!). School uniforms are ordered! Abby looked so cute when she tried them on. My scrapbooking is getting there also, I have a new paper cutter and have cut out and put a heap in albums and even printed some more but now I have run out of ink. So slowly things are getting done. Dad and Dawn are coming over next week and Dad will put Kate's trike and Abby's scooter together for Christmas. He will fix my garage remote button, so I have one on my garage door and Dawn and I will be getting my paint organised and ready for when we want to paint my feature walls. Tomorrow or Tuesday I have to take one of my lounge cushions down to see if I can get a matching colour.

So my motivation levels have been up more than normal, which has been good.

Nothing to Say

2007-11-22T15:46:00.000+10:00

I am posting to post that I have nothing to say.

Things are ok here at the moment. We had a nice stay in Mackay. I have come back refreshed and wanting to get a few things organised but Murphy's Law came into play today and a few things I started to do, I found I couldn't get done, due to missing items needing to be bought or the person I needed to talk to not being in etc. So while I did get a few things done I didn't get no where near as much as I'd planned.

Some of my too do list items are:
Buy school uniforms !!!!
Organise scrapbooking albums....I have 1oo layouts printed and more to print! Ran out of paper and lost my cutter, so will need to buy replacement.
Life/TPD insurance...waiting phone call to be returned
Christmas cards....I got the girls photo with Santa today and hope to make cards with this on the front
Send gifts to NZ.....found out some gifts ordered are out of stock so need to find replacements
Tint the car windows...waiting on booking confirmation for next week
Full computer backup....hopefully tonight
Kate's birthday present
Put shelves up in office....it is driving me crazy that all my folders are on the floor but I won't do this now until I have painted my feature walls

There is more but I finish the list there.....once again Kate is whinging at me.....ummmm, is there signal that I put out that says, Mummy is writing on her blog, I MUST annoy her NOW!

Sheesh, if so I wish I could switch it off...haha!

New Car!

2007-11-05T13:26:00.000+10:00

So I picked the new car up last week.

And had a great practice run in it....more than I actually wanted at the time! What happened was I drove all the way home from Dad's (usually an hour but an hour 15 because I missed a turn off) and it was only once I pulled up in the garage, turned the car off and got out that I realised that I didn't have my house keys! (I lock the internal garage door for extra security). They were still on the Magna keyring, which was back at my Dad's It was now 7.45pm, and I had to drive all the way back to Dad's! Fortunately, Kate's portacot was in the garage, so i put that in the boot and stayed overnight.

HaHa, I did manage to laugh about it on the way back but I was NOT laughing while in the garage, tired and just wanting to get inside my home!

It was hard to leave the Magna because of the sentimental attachment. I even saw one the same colour today as I left the shops and felt some emotion over it. I know though that it is the right thing to do. I got a great deal that I'm sure Jeff would be proud of. Just by buying it a year old rather than new has saved me over 10K!

Now, to get used to all the little fancy buttons etc......electric windows, buttons behind the steering wheel for the radio and there is a/c vents in the back for the girls (great...love this!). Abby even thought the radio was broken because I was changing the station without her knowing...hehe!

Arrgghh.....that's it...end of post....Kate is soooooooooooooooooooooo needy at the moment...gotta go!

BTW: I am off to my younger brothers in Mackay on Friday for about 10 days, so probably no posting until I get back.

Better Days

2007-10-24T12:46:00.000+10:00

As I drove home from dropping Abby off at Kindy this morning, Pete Murray's Better Days came on the radio. Although I have heard the song before, today I actually listened to the words and the following really hit home with me.

And I saw it coming
I saw emptiness and tragedy
And I felt like running
So far away
But knew I had to stay
And I know when I'm older
I look back and I still feel the pain
I know I'll be stronger and I know I'll be fine
For the rest of my days

I've seen better days
Put my face in my hands
Get down on my knees and I pray to God
Hope he sees me through till the end

Every day, I am feeling stronger and my focus in getting better and better. More and more the balance of it is on what I have (two beautiful girls) and less on what I don't have anymore. This doesn't mean that I stop hurting, grieving and missing. Just that I can see that happiness in some areas is still there, still there to cherish and enjoy. Moments with the girls will go all too soon as they continue to grow and change. Moments that will never come back as milestones are reached, bodies grow bigger and minds absorb all that they can.

The wonderful, beautiful thing is that each moment is replaced with yet another wonderful moment to cherish.

2007-10-16T21:40:00.000+10:00

Abby asked me this morning if I wanted to be in love again!?

I thought this was such an unusual question from a 4 and a half year old. Although I do wonder if it is because she saw me having a sticky beak at a dating site the other night (I'm not ready to date but just curious....besides....how DOES one date with small children!? Organising it with babysitting (and who? what if I didn't want anyone to know?) etc is enough to put me off!).

But still, "in love"? Just that term alone seems above her age.

I asked her if she meant to someone other than Daddy. And she said yes and then started crying and saying how she misses him.

This follows on from a dream she had Sunday night where she said Daddy had gotten on a boat with some other people and flew up to heaven in this boat. She had crawled into my bed (yet again I am attempting to get her to (at least) go to sleep in her bed) sometime during the night and later I was woken up as she started crying because of the dream.

She is extra emotional at the moment, seems to be missing him more than usual and crying because, "I miss Daddy" more this past few days.

Really, are these needed?

2007-10-13T19:40:00.000+10:00

Just recently I was reading about these new car park indicators, where you can see if there are any spare car spaces in a row before turning down it and then above each spot will be a cross if that spot is taken. I haven't seen them first hand, only read them described so I think I am understanding correctly how they work.

The thing is I couldn't help that think this was an example that the world is still heading badly in the wrong direction. Despite all the advocating of the saving of energy, changing light bulbs, use public transport, don't leave electrical items on stand-by etc etc. Here is this brand new, power consuming device that to me really is unnecessary.

Sure we all love these mod cons that make life easier but really some things are just so wasteful.

2007-10-11T12:25:00.000+10:00

I am back to keeping my distance again....physically and emotionally. It is just easier that way. And talking about how she irritates me is going to stop too. It was starting to consume me and I was dealing so well with it, so I'm not going to let things bother me anymore and as Dawn says, "It is better to be better than bitter" or something alone those lines.

Letting it go.....it feels good to do it.

Concentrating on other things, like painting my feature walls, catching up with my scrapping, making the memory quillows, buying a new car, organising the air-conditioning, organising our passports, organising Abby for school next year (orientation and interview soon!), planning another trip up the coast next week and the list goes on and on!

But so much better refocusing my energies :)

2007-09-29T12:00:00.001+10:00

Well, the distance I have been keeping between me and my Mum has been good. On the way back from the coast, I surprised them with a visit so they could see the girls. At the time, because things had been going ok, I opened up a little with Mum.....BIG MISTAKE! I spoke to her about a few concerns I had about my older brother and then what do you think she went and did! Yep, the very next day, rang and spoke to his partner Dannielle (David just doesn't answer the phone and prefers not to speak to her). Voicing concerns, putting pressure on them, just going about it completely the wrong way. Then it all as usual came about her and how she hoped that her leaving when he was young didn't contribute to this blah blah blah me me me cry cry cry. Oh but it's not her fault by the way because Dad and Dawn didn't allow her to see us....bull! Dannielle needless to say was not happy, on top of still being unhappy about what happened at the hospital and then later when Mum pointed out to Dannielle that Dawn is not Jacks grandmother, and that SHE is his bio grandmother....."and don't forget it" Nasty!
So they aren't happy, Dannielle Mum is not happy (Dannielle talks and shares with her Mum and she is ready to explode, in protection of her daughter and after the event at the hospital, Mum snubbed her next time they were both there and didn't bother to introduce Brian to her) and I'm not happy naturally and Dad and Dawn aren't happy with her lies etc.
Dannielle was the one to ring me and let me know Mum had rung them and dumped me in it, but thankfully understands where I was coming from with my concerns and they are justified and understandable but he is going to be ok and is coming out of this hole he has been in. And it's not that Mum can't have to same concerns but she just goes about it the wrong way and is so self involved.
She will want to tread carefully because they are ready to say see ya later. David and Dannielle don't have the Brian connection that I do that complicates things further, so depending on her response once everything comes out.........well. David has not had a real close relationsip with Mum and it was only after he met Dannielle and she encouraged it (thinking it was the right thing to do....regrets that now!) that he started seeing more of her. So he is happy to just let it drop off again.

For me, I am now a closed book with her and will not make that mistake again. At least with me she knows not to even go there with her insecure nasty comments but I need to let the parts of her personality that irritant me become like water off a ducks back, that is my goal right now. It really saddens me. I let my guard down for the first time and this happens. I even said I would take the girls up there for a few days stay because it is school holidays. Why does she have to be so nasty and make everything about her? I think I may just have to accept that the mother, daughter relationship that I would like will never happen. We are too different.

Ultimately I think she needs counselling but I just don't see that happening. She will never admit that she has a problem.....it is everyone else who does. I think about it and try to understand her, I sometimes think that so much of her personality stems from insecurity and a deep unhappiness...she has this need to always be right, and she thinks she knows everything and I think she is deeply unhappy as she is so materialistic, dreaming constantly of bigger and better things to fill her emptiness with (always talking about when she wins some money how she will buy this and that and showing off about the things she is able to do currently, never mind that others may be much less financially secure), and then there is the putting down of others and jealously of Dawn. Sigh.

Sigh.

2007-09-29T11:41:00.000+10:00

Well, after an initial concern that the Dr was not going to be able to get into the vein (does happen sometimes, especially after some prodding, the vein closes up some), the procedure was over quite quickly. A follow up ultra-sound two days later, showed no clots and the vein now closed. I have to go back in two weeks for a follow up. The compression stocking can come off next Tuesday.

The coast was great. Colder at night than we expected, so without adequate blankets it was a bit chilly. We walked into Coolum every day and Dawn and I even lost some weight as we walked briskly and ran up hills, either pushing the pram with both the girls in it, or Abby and I would race Dawn and Kate (in pram) up them. We collected lots of shells, so once I get a nice jar to put them in, they should look nice displayed.

We plan to go back in a couple of weeks for one last stay.

2007-09-18T19:23:00.000+10:00

Posted a cute photo of the girls in matching outfits on their blog here:

http://ouradorablegirls.blogspot.com/

Just wanting to show them off as I am biased and think there are so adorable....when behaving!

Holidays

2007-09-18T12:45:00.000+10:00

Abby finishes up kindy today for school holidays. So we are heading up to the coast for a few days. Another opportunity to use the house before the contract, hopefully goes though and settles before the end of the year. I'm also hoping the sale goes though as judging by the 8 above average temps yesterday and more warmer weather this week, I expect we are in for one VERY HOT summer. With the sale, I will be getting some money that I will use to pay for air conditioning the house.....I'd rather use this than have to dip into my savings.

So we are off to do some relaxing by the beach!

Then when we come back next week, I am getting some minor surgery on one of my legs. I am only 34 and I have a rather large varicose vein, that aches. I started getting spider veins when I was only 16. About 9 years ago I have some spider veins injected but they just reappeared elsewhere on my leg. Then about 5 years ago, I notice a very tiny vein that would pop out after walking or standing for some time....fast forward 5 years and it is ugly and aching. I'd hate to see what another 5 years would bring, so I decided to do something about it. With an ultrasound, it was diagnosed that a deeper vein is the faulty one that has put stress on the one that can be seen. So it is that deeper one that I will be having closed off.
Of course I am very anxious about the whole procedure as there is a risk or DVT yet just by having the varicose vein puts me at an increase risk of DVT. The doctor performing the surgery has never had a patient need to go to hospital yet, so that is comforting. Other things in my favour are my age, not being overweight, not on the pill and being a non-smoker.

Yet I still worry. I will be glad when it is all over and done.

Wedding Ring

2007-09-12T19:01:00.000+10:00

So I am no longer wearing my wedding ring every time I go out. At first it was hard to leave home without it. It felt so wrong. But more and more recently I started to feel like a fake.

But I'm not sure if it is off for good yet.

On another note, I went to bed early last night and suffered for it. Usually I don't go to bed until I just can't keep my eyes open any longer.....and there is a reason for that. I never stop missing Jeff and I still live in this world of denial that maybe just maybe he will walk though the door again one day. But I did think that I'd be able to go to sleep at this point without it all taking over my thoughts and making me a mess....well obviously I can't.....not right now anyway. Maybe when I am not on a downward spiral? But those just seem to come again and again and again. Sigh.

So I will be going to bed tonight when I cannot keep my eyes open anymore....so tired, sleep is all my body and mind can do.

Please Give Me the Strength

2007-09-09T12:59:00.000+10:00

Please give me the strength
They already start life so young,
With a loss in their hearts

Please give me the strength
To bring joy to their lives
To make happy memories

Please give me the strength
As they travel life,
Without their Daddy
To fill their lives with laughter

In Case I Die list

2007-09-07T21:58:00.000+10:00

As the sole adult now, it is not like there is another who knows all the finances circumstances, or who the bank accounts are with, who the insurances are with etc, like a spouse does. So tonight, yes, I should have done this some time ago, but tonight, I finally got around to doing up my "In Case I Die" list.
For me, it is the peace of mind, knowing that nothing, that will help out financially for the girls benefit, will be overlooked or forgotten about.
I think I have included everything. I have listed bank accounts, investments, all insurances (home, car etc), even who my phone bills etc are with, my PHI, my accountant and my solicitor, as well as noting down where the tax returns are up too as this point plus a few other things.

The plan is to update it regularly and especially if something major changes.

So if something happens to me, I have a folder with all the important documents, my will, all certificates and this list that will make it much easier for my family.

Got though another Father's Day

2007-09-03T20:10:00.000+10:00

Well, that's another Father's Day done. Sigh.

We spend Saturday night at my Dad's, catching up as he and Dawn had been away for 2 weeks. We watched the River Festival fireworks on TV and even got to see the drop and burn....it happens in Brisbane and we were about half and hours drive away. But having said that it can be seen much further away than we were.
So that took up the night leading into Father's Day, that and talking with Dawn until midnight. When they first invited us over to stay if we wanted, I wasn't sure if I wanted to....it's so hard to know just how I am going to cope with different events and whether company is a good thing or not. I was glad I did go though, as the company was a distraction. Sure the day couldn't be completely forgotten, especially as it was still Father's Day for my own Dad. So there was no way of completely ignoring the day. Besides I had promised Abby that we would do sparkles in the evening. The gift she made for Jeff was opened and placed beside his photo as soon as she bought it home from kindy last Wednesday.

It was more emotional when I arrived home mid afternoon and rang Brian. They were actually on their way home and about to go past, so they stopped in. Abby had the extra card she made to give to Poppy. Seeing Brian was hard because this is an extra hard day for him too.

Later when it was dark, we went outside to do sparkles, just Abby and I as Kate was now in bed.
Abby sang to Jeff, telling him she loved him.

So yesterday went by ok and Abby coped well. But this morning she had a break down. We were getting ready to go to kindy and I told her off for something she had done. I went to change Kates nappy and a minute later she came in full on sobbing, saying how she missed Daddy. It continued in the car for the 20 minute drive to kindy. Sobbing and crying and saying how she knows Daddy can't come back but he is around, with us always. And just repeating that and how she misses him and it's not fair and how she remembers him playing with her and doing things for her.

It was heartbreaking. I was crying. I asked her if she wanted to stay home but she didn't. I told her it was ok to cry but Daddy would want her to have a great fun day at kindy. I was trying to calm her down. She stopped crying just before we got to kindy. I spoke to her teacher and let her know that she was having a very emotional morning. She has such caring teachers. As I was leaving I saw her go to one of them with arms wide and having a cuddle. I knew she was in good hands.

She was fine when I picked her up. She had had a quiet day though.

Kindy Father's Day Gift

2007-08-27T20:11:00.001+10:00

So I was in tears at Abby's kindy this afternoon. Her teacher mentioned to me when I dropped her off this morning that they would be working on Father's Day gifts this week.

"What did I want Abby to do?" she asked, "Maybe something for her Poppy?"

"Still make something for Daddy", I said as my eyes welled up, "but if she herself is not wanting to do this then you can suggest she does it for her Poppy (either one) instead."

She likes to put things next to Jeff's photo, so she could still put his gift too, I thought.

During the day I thought about it some more and was going to talk to Abby about it tonight to let her know she could decide what she wanted to do and whatever she wanted to do was ok.

But when I got there to pick her up this afternoon, they had actually done the gifts today. Her kindy teacher said that when they did it, Abby did point out to her that her Daddy was dead and not here for her to give him his gift. But she still made something but also made a card for Poppy.

The tears flowed but I was glad to hear that her teacher feels, in her opinion (having known Abby since kindy started in February), that Abby is doing really well, considering she has lost her Daddy. That was comforting to hear.

We still had a talk about it. Abby suggested that we go to heaven to give Daddy his gift. I reminded her that she likes to put things next to Daddy's photo, so she could still do this.

I think the sparkles will come out again for Sunday night, I know she likes to do that to say hello and I love you.

2007-08-27T19:51:00.000+10:00

So I had a moment the other night where I needed to vent about a particular person in my life who has the ability to stress me like no other.
So I did, but without Jeff here, my usual sounding board, I had to do it to his photo. I talked to him, I let it all out.

And then I got upset that I was in this situation where he wasn't here to respond and to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything would be alright.

Then as I stood there crying, I felt him, I felt a warmth surround me and felt wrapped in this warmed and a calmness slowly came over me.

Was it Jeff? Was it my imagination?

I like to think it was him, it comforts me to do so, so I will.

2007-08-19T22:20:00.000+10:00

Odd one out

2007-08-16T21:48:00.000+10:00

I stayed over Dad and Dawn's last night. Brent (younger brother) and his fiance Andrea are visiting and we had a family dinner. Brooke (younger sister) came with her boyfriend Kevin and David (older brother) came with partner Dannielle and new bub Jack.

Sigh, I came with the girls.

No husband anymore....solo.

Dawn took a photo of us four siblings and I'm sure I heard her before I entered the room mentioned that she'd get one of the four of us and then one of everyone.

Thing is, I think it became painfully obvious after the photo of the four of us on the lounge that then asking the partners to join in would make my loss stand out like a sore thumb. So it was quickly and quietly dismissed.

But I was still aware.

(Thanks still to Dawn for noticing and not proceeding, to spare me further hurt)

A sucessful life

2007-08-16T21:22:00.000+10:00

My younger brother who works in the mines is down for a visit. I caught up with him yesterday and today. He told me that he is currently working with some guys that also worked with Jeff at some stage (Brent by the way, is at another mine to the ones that Jeff worked at). He asked me did I remember so and so but there were so many of them that I met over time that I only remember a handful of them (other than, of course, his closest workmates (many who were also friends)).

Brent and I were talking about how intelligent Jeff was. Of course I knew it, I was his wife and so proud to be (although I do wonder at times why he chose me, but I know that is more about me and my messed up self that I need to sort out).

Brent then told me that they speak highly of Jeff and how intelligent he was.

It warms my heart and makes me so proud. It was really nice to hear it.

As I write this it makes me think:

Was Jeff successful in life?

And the answer is:

More than successful....the way he is remembered (the above being just one example) is proof of that.

The balance is getting better???

2007-08-04T12:53:00.000+10:00

Lately I have been feeling better. I have a suspicion that my moods are linked to my periods and I am now monitoring that to see if it is the case. One person directed me to a site about PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder), and it seems to fit my symptoms...I will see what happens this month. Although, my bad mood seems to start two weeks before which is abnormal to normal PMT which is usually a few days before. Downside too is that AD's are still part of the solution.

As I am feeling better, I am actually feeling that the balance of just going though the motions and really wanting to live again are tipping to the latter. I still am finding it hard to get motivated to do things yet the desire to get out and do things is getting strong. I think the lack of motivation is connected to just not knowing exactly what I want to get out and do, having to do it with two young children in tow (that is challenging and tiring) and lastly (and this is a big one) wondering if I will even actually enjoy myself anyway.

I tend to find myself agitated, wanting to do something, not knowing what and overwhelmed thinking about doing anything with two girls that only I am there to look after. Especially when lately Abby is being so defiant, spitting and now Kate is copying her!

Sigh, at least I feel like some progress is being made now......at the moment anyway.

On the plus side, the weather has been beautiful and sitting in the morning sun is so nice and relaxing.

Sometimes it easier to stay in my comfort zone.....but I know I can't stay here for ever.

I think I need to find out what single mums with young children do to entertain them and themselves.

Sometimes I regret moving to the mid-way of each set of grandparents...sometimes I wish I'd moved closer to Dad and Dawn.

One day at a time.

Embarrassing Moment

2007-07-26T19:53:00.000+10:00

For over a week off and on I have been trying to get my new external hard drive installed and working to back up on. So yesterday, before making any phone calls for help I had another look at it. I connected it up, plugged the USB cable in and waited for my computer to register that it was there. I had loaded the driver over a week ago and thought that it may have been a Vista problem...and I was not happy since I bought my new laptop and the harddrive all together...so if the HD was not Vista compatible then the salesperson was going to get a "please explain"

I decided to have one last look at the installation instructions and the picture on the front shows a similar HD with the USB connection and the power connection and...

...an ON/OFF button!!!!!!

Yep...that's all I needed to do! TURN IT ON!

Now in my defense, I have never used an external HD before and on mine, this so called button is not an obvious button. I have been trying to connect this thing for over a week!

Was I ever so glad I didn't ring anyone for help! Now that would have been embarrassing!

Arrgh...Sick.

2007-07-20T18:25:00.000+10:00

I have been quite sick for the past 3 days. I started feeling unwell on Wednesday, driving to my appointment at the accountants, which just had to be all the way on the other side of the city. By the time I was driving home again, I knew I was coming down with something. Yesterday I bascially spent the whole day in bed, thanks to Brian coming to mow the lawn and Mum came too so was able to look after the girls for me. Today, I dragged myself out of bed to look after the girls and then went back to bed while Kate had her nap. I dragged myself out again when she woke up.
Whatever I have, it's knocked me about badly.

How to accept a widow, with love in her heart for another man?

2007-07-16T11:01:00.001+10:00

Jeff accepted me for me. I loved him for it. With him there was no pretence, I was who I am with him. I never had to hide my emotions or feelings. He accepted with compassion that before we met, I had had another child, he accepted that she was a part of my life and I grieved for her.

To accept another child is one thing but how does a man accept another man. One who is still in the heart. It is not like a divorce where the love has generally gone, usually soured, more likely turned to dislike.

I wonder this, how am I to still be me should another relationship come along? How does another accept that I still love Jeff and still grieve for him?

Some may say that if I am still grieving for Jeff then I am not ready for another relationship.

But to me, I will never stop grieving for him, you don't just stop, you adjust. But the grief is still there and always will be.

So again, Jeff and my grief for him is a BIG part of me, so how does this fit into a new relationship? If I am to be ME, to be myself, then that is included.

As I write, I think, why worry, it might not be an issue anyway. Sigh, I could live another 50 years alone. And I still have to work out how I love another while Jeff is forever in my heart too.

AD's

2007-07-16T10:41:00.000+10:00

I have been thinking more about going on anti-depressants. Sometimes I don't feel like I am moving forward. I still cry a lot and lately I've been waking up and it hits me first thing again that Jeff is not here. It's an awful way to wake up, there is no "good morning" welcome to a new day, full of refreshed energy. And I've been dreaming more of Jeff dying. So even in my sleep I can't escape this nightmare. I keep questioning how I am ever to live again...rather than just existing. To others I appear to be living I think but inside I am broken, I am lost.
And, angry. I think I should be coping better with issues that come up with the girls regarding misbehaviour. I don't like losing my temper. That's not me, that's not my personally. I not usually quick to fire up, I used to be so patient. I want that person back again. I want my girls to having a loving Mum, which they do, but not one they have to fear will get angry over silly little things. I do sometimes and I am ashamed.

Anyway, after a suggestion, I am trying a natural alternative first...St Johns Wort. So I'll see how that goes. I'll give it a month and see if it is having any effect.

2007-07-08T22:08:00.000+10:00

Am I heading downhill again?

I try so hard to be strong and I think mostly I am doing ok.

So why is it, a simple thoughtless comment on my parenting forum that was most probably not about me at all, stabbed me like a knife tonight and made me break down?

Chances are the poster didn't even read my post, people do that I think, post in response to the OP without reading all the other response posts. Its just that her post indicated that she had read some of them. Was one of them mine? If so she was extremely thoughtless. I'll never know, all I do know is that it hurt.

As it is, I am feeling ok about it now, writing about it and a few deep breaths helps.

But boy I hate that feeling. It's not just the original hurt but the fact that Jeff isn't here to comfort me over this hurt.

Beautiful

2007-07-02T23:13:00.000+10:00

A parenting forum that I am a member of is encouraging members to see themselves as beautiful and share a photo in their signature with a beautiful quote. Here is the one I did for myself. Funny how much harder it is to share a photo of myself yet the signature I had before this one has Rachel, Abby, Kate and Jeff and I loved sharing them. We tend to be so critical of ourselves.

See-you soon not goodbye.

2007-06-30T23:08:00.000+10:00

Rob (Jeff's brother) and Megan and their two boys are leaving Australia. Firstly they are going to New Zealand and the plan is to be there a year and then move on. In total they expect that they could be gone for 4 years, working and living in a few countries. Currently they live about 15 minutes away from me and although we don't see a lot of each other, it has been nice having them close by. I always had in mind that should an emergency happen, then they were just there. Recently they babysat Kate while I went for a rostered day on at Abby's kindy, it was great because Kate got to spend some time with Uncle Robbie (off work for studying) and Aunty Megan as well as the boys.

I have a real mixture of emotions about all this. Firstly I am very excited for them and very happy for them because I know that this is a great experience for them and something they have planned to do for a while now. Also at the same time I am sad, because I will miss them. They are family and Rob is Jeff's only brother, that only leaves Jeff's dad that I am in contact with (and not much as I limit my exposure to Mum currently). I am also envious....I don't want to be but there is a little piece of me that is jealous of their good luck and happiness...together. Yet I wouldn't want it to be any different for them.....just different for me and the girls.

Looking on the positive side, I now have a good excuse to do some travelling and somewhere to stay :) They have already invited me and the girls to come over to NZ. And there may be other countries in the future as well, providing the jobs are there and they are enjoying themselves. I just wish Jeff was travelling with us too. I always wanted to do some travelling with Jeff, but we were going to do it when we were older, without young children to look after.

Four years.....it seems like a long time and it is but I can see me in four years welcoming them back thinking.....four years, where did that time go?

Time is so deceptive...you think there is a lot but in fact there is not. It passes so quickly yet at times you think it is dragging so slowly.

I wonder where the next four years will take me?

2007-06-27T22:59:00.000+10:00

Will someone please take this tin of Milo OFF me! I can't stop eating it. I do not know why I even bought it, oh, yeah I do, because I ate all of the last tin that I had in the cupboard for the girls for a nice warm drink treat on cold days...argh! If Jeff were here, he would take it off me. I wouldn't even have to ask, he'd just come in a take it away, haha....he looked after me or my butt for me like that. Sigh. Oh and the last tin was a small one, this time I got an even bigger one! Not the biggest but still big enough to undo all my hard work on the treadmill!

On another note, while shopping today I grabbed some milk for the girls saying to them, "Now I need some milk for Mummy". To which an older woman who overheard responded with, "And then some for Daddy". Abby turned to her and said quite loudly (she was a few metres away), "Daddy's dead" The look on this womans face was priceless. Needless to say I think she will think twice before she offers up a response again to complete strangers and tries to be friendly, which was what she was trying to do. She was stunned and stood there with her mouth hanging open. I gave her a small smile and continued on. She took off in the other direction very quickly. Abby was so blunt about it though, it even took me by surprise! Usually we will be waiting in line to pay and she will occassionally say, "My Daddy is in heaven". More so though she just tells them, "My name is Abby". At least it's just Abby now and not Abby Rose B********, which always was said so quickly and the usual response was, "huh?"

"I miss Daddy"

2007-06-25T21:39:00.000+10:00

Abby had one of my moments today. One of those moments where something little blows out of control and becomes something much bigger. And as a result there are a lot of tears, lots of sobbing because underlying it are thoughts of Daddy and missing him.
She got herself all worked up over me sitting on "her" lounge. At first it was a little funny and then she hit me and I told her that that was wrong and she hit me again, so I told her to go to her room (the naughty spot first but she refused, so then I said her room, which she still refused). I had to carry her to her room and by now she had lost total control and was quite upset. I put her in there to calm down some. A few minutes later she came out, sobbing, telling me she was sorry. So I accepted her apology and gave her a huge hug and she just couldn't stop crying. She kept saying how she missed Daddy and maybe we could go to heaven to visit him. I held her tight and I was in tears now too as I explained to her that we couldn't do that. She asked why we couldn't see Daddy, why we couldn't see his face. I told her that although we couldn't see Daddy, he could see us and what he would want more than anything is for her and Kate to be happy with big smiles and then one day when she was really old, she would got to heaven to see Daddy. She agreed, saying she needed to get big like me and have babies first. I also told her that it is ok to miss Daddy and we will always miss Daddy and it is ok to cry because we miss him.
I think it was a good release for her.

Can you feel the warmth of the sun?

2007-06-22T12:29:00.000+10:00

It is a beautiful day here today. I spent the morning doing my weekly cleaning. I like to clean on Fridays because most people work and if I am going to get visitors on the weekend I don't want to have to rush about cleaning before hand. Generally though, I tidy constantly and visitors at any time would be no problem, except on Thursdays because by then it is starting to show the need of a full clean. Knowing I am going to clean the next day, Thursdays, the house can be neglected. I like the feel of a clean and tidy house. And I feel a great sense of satisfaction once it is all done. Funny, but I never feel the same way about the ironing. I hate ironing, I hate doing it and after I've done it I don't feel satisfied, I just feel... yuk, I really didn't enjoy that kind of feeling... but I am happy it is done. Needless to say, that is why it is the most put of chore I have and a pile is always waiting....waiting.....waiting to be done.

Anyway, enough about my cleaning and time to get to the point of this post.

Being such a glorious day, the girls and I had morning tea outside. I spread a rug down and the girls sat eating their strawberries and cheerios (cereal (without milk) not sausage). I sat in an outdoor chair curled up with a new book. As I sat there soaking up the sun, I looked at the girls and wondered if Jeff was here with us. I wondered if he was loving this beautiful morning as we were.

Then something occurred to me and aloud I asked, "Can you feel the warmth of the sun?"

I know I won't get an answer but now I am wondering.......

.........Can you?

Using the term Widow....when NOT a Widow!

2007-06-16T21:51:00.000+10:00

I've recently started to visit again a parenting forum that I am a member of but stop going to when Jeff became ill.

On occasion, like just now, as I am having a look around, I come across someone of a group using the term widow in a joking manner, eg The Warcraft Widows Group (some computer game) or someone saying they are going to be a football widow on the weekend.

To be honest I never liked this use of widow prior to becoming a widow and now it just hurts. I try not to let it effect me, I know it is certainly not directed at me personally...they don't even know me and possibly don't even know of me on the forum as there are over 100 000 members. But it hurts. And makes me feel ill. I find it disrespectful and insensitive. Surely some of the people in these groups would know of actual widows and find it disrespectful too?

Or am I too sensitive about this? No I don't think I am.

Can't they come up with another descriptive word for the absence of their husbands?

I think the term just washes over them without them really thinking about it.

But I sometimes feel like saying, "You are not a widow! Your husband is not dead! You have no idea how really painful it is to really lose your husband, how I wish mine was here playing a computer game or off at the football!"

Sigh, I think it is one of those things that I am just going to have to accept, no matter how it hurts.

2007-06-12T20:59:00.000+10:00

I feel empty
I feel lost
I have no hope
A huge hole
It cannot be filled
Happiness, true happiness
It will never live here again.
I pretend
Denial and pretence
Can only do so much
I dream that one day
He will come back
I pretend he is really not gone

I heard a song today and one of the lines was, "I am nothing next to you"
Me next to Jeff, I am nothing next to you
He was amazing, so wonderful, so much better than me
I am nothing compared to him

I stood in the kitchen, making Abby's lunch for tomorrow
For a split second I could see him in the lounge room
Kids in bed, Mum in kitchen, Dad relaxing waiting to snuggle watching TV
It was my perfect dream but it is never to be

There is a hole
A huge hole
It can never be filled
True happiness will never live here again

Life is fragile

2007-06-10T12:43:00.000+10:00

So what started out as some good drenching rain has turned into a tragedy for some.

Why do these things happen?

It is just so terrible and heartbreaking.

A family of a young Mum (29) and Dad (30) and there two small girls (2 and 3) and the girls 9 year old cousin....all washed away in a road collapse....all found dead.

And older couple (62 and 50) also washed away, they too were found dead.

And yet another, a 40 year old man, not found yet but missing since Friday, washed into a storm drain.

And a 29 year old who couldn't escape a house fire that started after a candle was used due to blackouts.

This all following close behind a tragic train accident that claimed the lives of 11 people.

It is all so heartbreaking and so sad and yet I know that every single day, tragedy is occurring as someone loses a loved one. Every day someones heart breaks. We just don't hear about all of them all in the news but they still happen.

Life is so fragile.

It's Raining, It's Pouring!

2007-06-06T11:34:00.000+10:00

I love it, I love it, I love it!

It is raining here and has been all night!

It is a nice continuous soaking rain. The cubby house has a bluesteel roof too which means I get that lovely sound of rain on a tin roof but it's not intrusive since the roof is only small.

It was a juggling act to get Abby into kindy without getting too wet though (getting her and Kate out of the car and trying to fit all 3 of us under a little umbrella), so after dropping her off I went and bought her an umbrella of her own that I will surprise her with when I go to pick her up this afternoon.

I hope the dams are getting some of it though. It's nice to have the grass and gardens watered but more important is getting the dam levels up again.

The only downside with the rain is that it frightens me to be on the road.

PS: Are you getting any down your way Ali? Kristie, what about you, over there too?

2007-06-01T15:20:00.000+10:00

I have things to say, but usually I think of them when I have just gotten into bed.

Some of the things that I think about:

My rings...to wear them or not....I keep wearing them because it says I am unavailable....which I am.

Is he here?

Is there a God? Does life continue? Sometimes I think yes, other times no. Right now I am in a more believing phase.

I am feeling better since passing the one year mark but I am not better.

I try to focus on what I do have.

I am trying to live my life (happily)....at any point I too could die.

Sometimes I just don't want to live....but I am not suicidal.

I don't look to far into the future...for 1, I might not have one and 2, it just hurts too much to think of all those possible years without Jeff.

I think about maybe having another relationship but push it aside as it is painful but the thought of being alone is hard too.

How do I find anyone as good as Jeff? Will I ever if that's what I want and I don't even know what I want.

How do I fall in love when I am already in love?

I am no where near ready anyway.

I am becoming content on my own yet I am lonely at times.

I am a contradiction!

1 Year

2007-05-19T21:55:00.000+10:00

Well today was not too bad, it's tonight and more so the last hour that has been really hurting....so much that for the first time in my life (I think) I just screamed into a cushion. As usual I had trouble getting Abby to stay in bed and when I finally did I was grumbling to myself about how long it takes and looked at the clock grumbling to myself noting that it was now 9pm.....that's when it hit......that's about the time Jeff died.
Now I sit at my computer listening to Bernard Fannings, Say You'll Watch Over Me. I love this song, I just listen to it over and over. The scream has been a release for me, an overflow of emotion that just needed to come out and come out NOW!
I wanted to spend this day on my own, but earlier really wanted to talk to someone but who? I wanted to talk to someone who has been though this. I nearly joined a chat but was too shy to do so. Last night I had a phone call from a family friend, Sue a family friend from Jeff's side, who is also a widow. I don't always pick up the phone these days but I did when I realised it was Sue and it was good to talk to her. Sue has been a widow for about 8 years now. I actually have a few widows around me IRL. There is Sue, my Aunty who was married to my Dad's twin brother...he passed at age 38 (about 19 years ago) and my stepmother's mother who was widowed about 18 years ago. All are further along than me and apart from Sue, have been remarried for many years now. Oh, just remembered a good friend of my stepmothers (who used to made a delicious chickpea curry dish for us while Jeff was sick), who has been widowed close to 3 years now.

While I remember I have been wanting to get down that I had a dream (visit?) from Jeff the other night. It was the night after I swore at God (posted this on Abby and Kate's blog). In the dream, I was driving when I witnessed a plane crash. It took a moment for it to register that Jeff was at the airport due to fly out somewhere. I rushed to the airport, sick with worry. I was at the counter when I turned and saw him and he walked over to me and without a word held me. We just held each other for the longest time without speaking at all. It felt so real, it was beautiful.
It was then that I understood where Abby got it from....walking up to me and cuddling me without a word....it was from Jeff.....he would do this when I was upset.

Jeff....my love....my soulmate.....I miss you.

I Don't Want To Open That Door

2007-05-17T20:09:00.000+10:00

Two nights ago just after I hoped into bed, I started thinking about what was happening this time last year. I felt sick, it hurt so much and I struggled to close the door again before it all came pouring out and overwhelmed me. As I did I told Jeff that I just couldn't do it, I couldn't open that door, it was too painful. It wasn't that I didn't love him, quite the opposite. I filled my mind with anything I could think of that was meaningless to drown out the other thoughts.
Now two days later I can feel this enormous pressure leaning against that door. Can I keep myself busy enough to get though these days in some sort of denial? I want to, oh how I want to because just a little peek two days ago scared me.

Saturday is the date but it was a Friday night when it happened.

How could a year, a WHOLE year without Jeff have passed already.

Oh God, how I loved that man, that wonderful man, how do I do this, how do I live?

And yet I know I will live, life will go on, my heart will always be heavy with grief though...I will carry that for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I don't come on here because I know this will happen....I am crying now.

I want to write how I am feeling so I can look back on it in years to come, but will I look back, will I want to? Yet writing releases emotions that I have been trying to keep under control.

I have been doing so much lately, sub concisously, from overeating (alot!) to spending money (new laptop, mobile phone and treadmill....all needed as my computer was 6 years old, mobile was playing up and I had been meaning to get the treadmill for some months now...the overeating and 3 kgs made me finally organise it). But it all has been a distraction. At the moment I am frustrated by my new laptop as I can't work out how to transfer my email messages and set up my wireless router. If Jeff was here, he'd be taking care of it, so the distraction has become a reminder of his not being here. Especially when I dropped the telephone connection behind the desk and as I was under it trying to put on the desk from the back, I really missed that he wasn't here to grab it for me....come to think of it, he would have been under the desk and I would have been grabbing it for him.

Well enough rambling from me, another one of my weekly distractions is about to begin....LOST.

Which is exactly what I am.....lost.

2007-05-07T10:13:00.000+10:00

I'm a little unhappy with my Mum at the moment but am trying not to take it on board as it does not concern me but I think once again her timing was inappropriate and selfish.

I heard that there was raised voices about an hour after Jack was born, my brother was heard to say, "It just worked out that way!" Then as Dad and Dawn entered the hospital room, Mum said angrily that she was going home.

Apparently Mum didn't make in it time to be in the room when Jack was born. As far as I know there were no arrangements made that anyone would be in the room with David and Dannielle but Dannielle's Mum and Dawn ended up in there.

Dawn said Bev came out and invited her in and Dawn hesitated but was reassured that Dannielle was happy about this. Mum was not there at this time.

I am not sure why but Bev rang Dad and Dawn at around 10.30am and I don't know for sure but I heard Mum was rung at 12pm. I'm not sure of these times and if they are right, why Mum was rung later.

If Mum was rung later it would account for her not making it...just....I believe that she turned up just as he was being born, it's about an hour and a half's drive for her from home to the hospital. I know Mum she would have left straight away and this would have put her outside the room then. Jack was born at 1.52pm.

I can so understand Mum's disappointment at not being there but her anger? Is that normal? I haven't rung her because I heard she was angry and I didn't want to deal with it. I also wondered if she might have been angry at me at all because I knew at 10.30am that they were in the hospital because Dad and Dawn where on their way to visit me and turned around. Mum knew they were visiting so she would know that they cancelled on me and that I would know why...but it was not for me to ring her and tell her Dannielle was in labour, I didn't even think to actually, I just assumed that Bev would ring her too...which she did but it appears later (but that's not confirmed, maybe Mum was out? and didn't get an earlier message?).

Anyway, I don't know the whole story, yes it is disappointing for Mum but to take it out on the new excited parents and storm out an hour later!

I've also been told that Dannielle made the comment (weeks ago, I think) that maybe David and I should sit down and talk about Mum. Dannielle apparently has picked up on a couple of comments that Mum has made and it has made her uncomfortable.

NO NO NO.....that was my reaction, sorry but I am distancing myself at the moment, I am not throwing myself back in the middle of this....it NOT all about Mum!

I haven't spoken to David and Dannielle about this, naturally, it was all about them and Jack and their happiness when I visited yesterday, as it should be.

Anyway, I just needed to get all this off my chest.

2007-05-07T09:28:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I did took myself out of my comfort zone and took the girls to church. I have arranged for them to be baptised there and wanted to take Abby especially so she could she and experience it a little before the actual day next month. It was certainly a challenge with two small girls. There was a table set up so that children could do some drawing and bags of stuffed toys for smaller ones. Kate decided to throw all the colouring-in pencils all over the floor and was fascinated by the piano when that was being played. All in all I missed quite a bit of the service as I looked after them but Abby was able to see a baby being baptised.
Jeff and I had always planned to get our children baptised. We looked into getting Abby done whilst we were living in Central Qld but decided that waiting until we had moved down this way would be easier as this is where everyone lives (as it turns out my brother and his fiance will have to travel now after moving but at least the majority is here). Running a new business took up alot of time and we decided that since we were going to have another child we would do them together. With Jeff sick when Kate was born it was not on the top of our list of things to be done...now I wish we had of thought it through more and he could have been a part of this day.
So on the 3rd June, Abby and Kate will be baptised. I am keeping guests to a minimum, with only Godparents and Grandparents to be involved. Afterwards we will be coming back to my place for a light lunch and cake so I don't want anything big with a lot of people. There are so many people I could ask also but then deciding who comes and who doesn't is hard so it is easier this way.

Yesterday I also had the difficult trip up to the hospital to meet baby Jack. This was the hospital that Rachel died it, this was the hospital that Kate was born it, this was the hospital that directly outside the Mother's entrance is the radiation clinic that Jeff went to, this is the hospital that across the road Jeff had his third operation, where he spent first 3 weeks, then later had a visit to emergency and an overnight stay and then stayed another couple of weeks towards the end. It was not the hospital that he died at....otherwise there is no way I think I would have coped as well as I did yesterday (in fact I don't think I would have gone, even with everything else I nearly didn't go but Abby was so upset when I changed my mind I had to try for her). I actually was surprised that I did as well as I did. When I came back to this hospital 10 years after Rachel died there to meet the girls new baby cousin Mason, I broke down and spent 20 minutes in the bathroom before I was able to get my emotions somewhat under control before visiting the new happy parents, who I didn't want to burden with any unhappy emotions during such a joyful time for them.

That visit I had Jeff by my side...he was my rock...he held me and comforted me...he was there to take care of me.

Not this time.

Jack Cooper!

2007-05-04T18:35:00.000+10:00

Welcome to the world little one!

My brother and his girlfriend are the proud new parents of a little baby boy, born early this afternoon, weighing 7lb 1oz.

I was only just instant messaging the new Mum last night and knew after some of the symptoms she was telling me that bub would make an appearance very soon. So I was not surprise when I got a phone call from my stepmother this morning cancelling their visit today as they were off to the hospital instead. I was waiting patiently all day but only found out at around 6pm, 4 hours later. Apparantly my brother had texted me but I never got it. I was just so glad to finally find out all had gone well and both Mum and bub were well.

I am so happy for them.

PS:
It is somewhat of a relief for I was concerned that bub may be born of the 1st anniversary of Jeff's death or closer to it when it will be even more difficult for me emotionally with such conflicting emotions of happiness for them and overwhelming sadness at this time. Now I can enjoy in this happy occasion before I start falling apart (more) as the anniversary approaches.

60 Minutes

2007-04-30T11:18:00.000+10:00

"He's got the worst type of cancer known to mankind."

This was the comment from brain surgeon Dr Teo last night on 60 minutes. He was speaking about Dr Chris O'Brien who was diagnosed with a GBM last November.

I recognised so much in that story last night, the courage, the determination, the will to succeed over this aggressive disease...that was Jeff.

For the rest of my life I will ask the question why? Why did Jeff get this awful disease? I think about it often, I wonder if it was working in the coal mines, eating a certain food, a certain chemical in our foods today, was it the pool chemicals he handled at the complex? What was it? I know I will never have an answer while I am alive, I may get one when I die.

Why he didn't survive it, well that is easier to answer. There sadly is little hope for those diagnosed with GBM's. This is something I need to understand and come to terms with because regularly I question the treatment path that we took. Would a different drug, a different surgeon had made the difference? Maybe. Maybe it would have given him even more time but a cure? Not likely.

Wedding Anniversary

2007-04-27T15:42:00.000+10:00

Jeff and I should have been celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary today (our wedding anniversary is also the anniversary of our first date, that was 7 years ago today)....I have not cried. I am not sure why. I cried last night alot just thinking about it but then I got up today and....well, it's a special day but EVERYDAY I miss him and EVERYDAY I grieve for him and today is another day amongst many many days. I haven't looked at my wedding album or listened to my wedding CD. I may later but in some ways I think I am trying to avoid really thinking about todays special date. I teared up hearing the date announced on a program I was watching earlier but apart from that I have been keeping myself busy as much as possible. Friday is my cleaning day, so even though I thought that I'd not be up to it today, I had done it and it has been a distraction instead. The girls and I have done some baking too...another attempt at keeping busy.

Yesterday we went to the local nursery and I picked out a red rose bush. I also chose a nice pot that they kindly potted it up for me (I'm not much of a green thumb, Jeff was always pointing out to me that our plants were in serious need of a watering). I wasn't sure what I wanted to do to acknowledge this day but after seeing some suggestions for a widower on WidowNet to plant a plant I decided on a rose bush as I had roses in my wedding bouquet. The assistant at the nursery thought one of the buds on it would flower today but it didn't. It was an overcast day here today which I think didn't help.

PS: Above are the only 4 photos from our wedding that I have on the computer. I couldn't choose just one and it's probably just as well the rest aren't on here too else I might not have stopped.

ANZAC Day

2007-04-25T12:59:00.000+10:00

This day always makes me cry. Watching the parade, hearing the Last Post, thinking about all those lives lost so that we can live in this wonderful country the way that we do.

LEST WE FORGET

2007-04-25T12:33:00.000+10:00

After dropping Abby off at Kindy on Monday morning...the Mum that I've spoken about before starting talking to me at the gate. She was obviously picking up that I was down, because I wasn't trying to hide it, and asked me if I was ok. I appreciate her concern and her offers of help etc and I do believe she is only trying to help and do what she thinks is right but some people just get it so totally wrong.
What happened was I told her I was having a difficult time because Jeff and my wedding anniversary is coming up. Her response in an excited voice (yep, no kidding!), "So what are the girls and you going to do to celebrate!"

!!!!!!!

I am dropping Abby off right on time now. Usually I've been arriving at about 15 to 10 minutes early to get a better park but now I'd rather walk a few hundred metres. Same with in the afternoon. We can pick up from 2.15 to 2.30. She always picks up at 2.15, so I'll pick up later.

It's not that I think she is a bad person but she really doesn't get it. I know that this is one of those things that you can't really understand unless you have been though it but there are some people that even without going though it can get it right when offering support. The other thing is that if I do run into her and we talk I will have to keep it purely to talking about other things, just pretend all is ok and that way I'm not putting myself in the potential situation of getting hurt. Well, I hope so anyway.

At the end of the day, as Jeff used to always say, she is in my life for such a small amount of time and I'm sure anymore DGI comments I can deal with and put in away in the DGI comment box that I have, close the lid on it and not let it effect me (especially from her as I KNOW she is a DGI and I no longer have any expectations). Really, in the scheme of it all, it is just a comment and I've been (am going though) at lot bloody worse!

This journey that I am on is one that only I can walk.